Musings, Sans Muse

Superfail

2010-02-17T13:55:00.008-06:00

Oh man. With Tumblr and Twitter and life I have dropped this blog ball, haven't I. Let me catch you up and rectify this sitch.

I sent in my grad school application. It was scary and a lot of work. Also, I went to a meeting at the school and I learned that they are only accepting 7-8 students in the fall for the MFA Graphic Design program. My chances of getting in got even slimmer if you consider that my entire portfolio is academic- I have no profession design experience, unless you count the few funny graphics I made for Autostraddle (no, I didn't put those in my portfolio.)[edit: there were 30ish applicants for the 7 spots and I did not end up getting in to the program]

My non-credit online class started today. It's CSS/XHTML. It seems pretty boring. But I need to learn some webcoding if I want to design for the internet. Also, I want to built my own Tumblr theme ;)

I'm still interning at Autostraddle. With our redesign and restructuring and all that my title has gone from 'intern' to 'Team Tech Intern, Team Viral/Social/Online Community Assistant and Team Transcribe Intern' so that's all fun and cool.

On Sunday I'm FINALLY going to some roller derby!! It's the Windy City Rollers second home bout of the 6th season. I've been trying to go since roughly season 2 and it's finally happening! And since Chicago has two flat track derby leagues (The Chicago Outfit is the other) all I can say is, it's about time.

I have a little money so I'm talking to my tattoo artist about finally doing the color and shading on my Ganesh piece (tattoo #17) this spring. I also want to pierce my other tragus and maybe gauge the first piercing in each earlobe. We shall see.

My little sisters turn 21 in a week. Eeek.

I made these.

This was requested of me by Jordan who hears the yogurt commercial and thinks of Harry Potter.
This was originally an assignment that I redid and included in my grad school application portfolio. And I have some ideas for some Tegan & Sara pieces using lyrics.

I'm going to see Tegan & Sara next month. It will be my fourth time seeing them. My mom also turns 50 next month and we are having a big party. 50 is a bid deal, and when you add in how sick she has been, we really need to celebrate.

My friends and I went to Memphis about a week and a half ago and it was a disaster. 'Bad' weather shut the town down and we hardly got to do/see anything except eat, drink and somehow become part of some funny dudes bachelor party. We did get to go to Graceland on our last day, so there's that.

Right now I'm watching the Olympics and waiting for UPS to deliver my ukulele case. I actually learned a few more chords and can now almost play all of Hallelujah!! It's exciting because E Huli is the only other song I can really play:

E Huli from Elizabeth B. on Vimeo.

Other than that my life is pretty dull and simple. But hopefully that will change up some this year. Hopfully.

That is all.

2010-01-17T16:56:00.002-06:00

Sometimes (on Saturdays?) I make 'art'

2010-01-02T14:11:00.006-06:00

I took these pictures and then got all 'artsy' on them in Photoshop:

(yes that's me)

(I actually did very little to this photo)

(I love living across from a cemetery)

These are celeb photos that I did not take, but I have manipulated in Photoshop and/orIllustrator to make them fun, interesting, artsy, etc...

Fail Friday

2010-01-01T23:55:00.003-06:00

Has it really been over a month since I posted anything? Wow. I blame the end of the semester plus holidays plus another quarter/third- life crisis. I promise I'll get better. I started a tumblr in the meantime and I also had my first interview/article on Autostraddle which was extra awesome because it made the Westboro Baptist Church angry/hate on me! :) That equals win in my book.
See:

Also, I made some funny graphics for a Britney Spears piece that Crystal did on Audiostraddle:

So much fun. You think I can put them in my portfolio...?

Feelings Friday

2009-11-27T16:33:00.002-06:00

I wrote you a note-
It's been over 5 years, and I wasn't even there, but it's still so hard this time of year. Especially when, like this year, your birthday falls on Thanksgiving Day. I'm sorry I haven't been to the cemetery lately. Since I no longer work across the street, I don't get out there very often. Do you have your holiday garland? I hope so. Happy 25th birthday! Can you believe you'd be a quarter century old already? That birthday was so hard for me, and my grandmother died shortly after. You probably would have had a much easier time with it, just happy to be 25, to be older. The girls are going to be 21 in February and Justin turned 19 this summer. I feel so old. And also so alone. That's not your fault, it's mostly mine, I guess. In fact, if things had worked out differently, and you were still here, I probably still wouldn't be able to even talk to or see the girls. Strange how the world works, isn't it? I don't understand most of the time. I wish things were more simple. I miss you always and love you so much. That part is simple.

Themeless Thursday!

2009-11-12T18:36:00.000-06:00

Update on my post themes:
Music Monday
Meatless Monday
---------------
Trans Tuesday
Tegan & Sara Tuesday
------------------
Writing Wednesday
-----------------
Themeless Thursday (anything goes!)
-----------------------------
Fun & Fantastical Free-For-All Friday (anything HAPPY goes!)
------------------------------
Sapphic/Same-Sex Saturday/Sunday

---------------------------------------------------------------

And on this Themeless Thursday I am going to share a little poem that I wrote earlier. It's called:

For My Mutual Internet Crush (You Know Who You Are)

Do I have a
new @reply?
(Click refresh!)
Roald Dahl
and celesbians?
I love them too!
(Click refresh!)
140 witty,
sweet characters
never affected
my heart so.
(Click refresh!)
A hopeless romantic?!
There aren't enough
of us anymore.
(Click refresh!)
Pining at the
computer... like
I didn't waste
enough time
here already...
(Click refresh!)
Oh well ;)

Mark my words, I might be something someday

2009-11-11T01:14:00.002-06:00

It's Writing Wednesday!
------------------------
I listen to these words and I read these other words and then I have all these feelings. It's been a long time since I've written anything resembling a poem and like most of them, this one is untitled because then I don't have to say that it's finished and then it doesn't have to be real. Be kind. It actually isn't finished, it's rough. It's a work in progress. And it's been 'progressing' for too long already. 'Processing' is more like it. I'm so gay.
---------------------------------------------------

I cannot make the
first move.
I think about it to
the point of exploding
but sit quiet, paralyzed.
One time, though, I did.
Head nuzzled drunk in her neck,
back seat of someone else's car
with two other people,
I snuck my hand into hers.
And the world didn't end.
She nuzzled back and with her
thumb stroked my palm and set
my skin on fire.
I was so afraid, I told her
later. She just laughed.
Must be easy to laugh when
it isn't your heart
on the line.
That might have been
the first crack.
There was another night-
I sat sleepily at the
end of her bed-
she looked at me with doe eyes,
patted under the covers next to her.
Like a puppy I jumped.
Falling asleep curved next to her,
she traced my eyes, nose, lips
over and over with her fingertips.
Light touch, lovingly.
I felt safe.
When I mentioned it later she
claimed not to remember.
Another crack.
When she gave me that
elephant and
I named it Spencer, she
laughed again.
At the name and at me for
watching that show.
The whole time I was Spencer-
new to girls but sure of
my feelings for her.
She was Ashley, refusing to
be labeled, keeping
me at arms length.
Push and pull, heart
cracking more.
When I said it had to be more
than friends or nothing,
she let me go.
It wasn't like the tv.
It never is.
Months of me giving her my heart
in every way I could think of
and nothing mattered.

Someone else needs
to break my heart again.
So I'll have more
to write about.

Mopey Monday? Marriage Monday? Meh Monday...

2009-11-09T10:15:00.001-06:00

I interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to update what I have previously written about (I think May was the last time I posted a lot about the state of same-sex marriage in this country) and rant a little before I explode...

Here is where same-sex marriage is legal in the US:
1- Massachusetts
2- Connecticut
~~California~~
3- Iowa
4- Vermont
~~Maine~~
5- New Hampshire (starting January 1st 2010, unless the bigots strike again!)

In California, the same-sex marriages that were performed between June 16, 2008 and November 4, 2008 are still recognized. You know, the 18,000 same-sex marriages that were performed before the Prop 8 debacle. On October 12, 2009, Governor Schwarzenegger signed a law allowing same-sex marriages from other states or foreign countries performed on or before November 4, 2008, to be recognized as well. In Maine, the ssm law that the governor signed (because he said it was the RIGHT thing to do!) was struck down by a VOTE OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC (again?!?!) before any same-sex marriages were even performed. Argh. In New York State and Washington, D.C., same-sex marriages from other states or foreign countries are recognized but they are not performed (even though New York has tried to get a ssm law passed).

Same-sex marriage is fully legal and recognized in Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands, Norway, South Africa, Spain, and Sweden. Many others allow registered civil unions. None of those countries have imploded, exploded or otherwise fallen into any sort of harm or disrepair because of it. And SOUTH FUCKING AFRICA! A country rampant with homophobia and racism (hello 'corrective rape' and Apartheid!) has managed to allow same-sex marriage. Yet the US, the land of the 'free', can't come close.

Why aren't more people angry?! Why don't more people care?! What freaking century is this that a majority vote is allowed to determine the rights of a minority group? Why the fuck do we have a federal government to protect the people if this is happening?! It's not about whether or not you think homosexuality is right or wrong or a choice or an illness or natural or anything. It's about the constitutional rights of all citizens. It's about 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' and basic civil rights. It's about love and tolerance and equality. It's about all the things that are supposed to make this country such a great place to live.

And as to the hate-mongering, bigot opposition- Get some real, factual arguments or SHUT UP! Allowing same-sex marriage doesn't undo or devalue your straight marriage. If that's such an issue, maybe you should ban divorce. I mean, what have Britney Spears and Elizabeth Taylor done for straight marriage except make a mockery of it? Wanting same-sex marriage doesn't mean we are trying to recruit your children to the 'gay lifestyle'- we don't need to 'recruit' as straight people give birth to and raise gay kids ALL THE DAMN TIME. And how does two people wanting to marry each other equal them wanting to bring in a third party? Churches will not be forced to perform same-sex marriages. We aren't asking for Holy Matrimony, we want fully legal civil marriage. We have separation of church and state so keep the Bible out of the law. Or if you're going to do it, do it all the way and ban shellfish, blended fabrics and haircuts. Bring back stoning. You can't just pick and choose what parts of the bible to enforce based on personal preference. I believe that's bordering on blasphemy. And just because two women or two men want to marry each other doesn't mean one of them is suddenly going to want to marry their dog or a goat or a horse. That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. And I think if you dare to look up bestiality, it's something straight people are into, so... yeah. Catholics- maybe you should actually look into and take care of your Pedofile Priest issues before pointing the finger of sexual deviant blame. Celibacy isn't required by the Bible, nor is it working out so well for you guys. Mormons- have you forgotten all about your polygamy past? Pot, kettle, black, my friend.

I mean, seriously folks, to each their own. Everyone should be afforded the same rights and protections to do what makes them happy, as long as they aren't infringing upon the rights/life of others. That's how things are supposed to be in the US, right? If you don't want to be 'gay married' that's ok, it's not going to be a requirement (just like allowing abortions doesn't mean anyone will be forced into having one. But don't even get me started on that rant!!). I'm not crazy about the availability of guns or homeschoolers who only teach creationism, but it's not up to me to take those rights from people. So why do those people get to take away my rights? Do you see the hypocrisy?

And before you even dare call me 'Godless' or anything of the sort- I own at least 9 bibles. I grew up in the church. I taught Sunday School, attended youth group, chaperoned trips. You know what I learned in church? God is love. "Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you." Turn the other cheek. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. "Happy are those who are merciful to others; God will be merciful to them." ALL sin is equal in the eyes of God. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Same-Sex Sunday- Silly Hayden!

2009-11-08T00:00:00.009-06:00

I know, I know... A Sapphic Saturday AND a Same-Sex Sunday?! But this isn't 100% a SSS, so, yeah. It's just a short bumbling post about my new appreciation for Hayden Panettiere. I know she might not be the world's greatest actress (I only saw a little of that movie with Kate Hudson) but I recently watched a few episodes of Heroes and I just came from watching I Love You, Beth Cooper with my little brother, and I can say this: girl is not afraid to have fun. Did you see her do the dunk tank on The Ellen Show? She was so funny and cute! And did you know that her same-sex storyline on Heroes was her idea? And Hayden loves the environment and animals (ok, mostly the ocean and whales and dolphins, and seriously how gay is that?). I'm a sucker for activists. She just seems kind of silly and fun and down-to-earth. Look:

Um, and apparently she really likes to lick things... so perhaps there is hope for her yet!!

Hayden on Ellen talking about the lezzie storyline on Heroes, talking about the whales and showing off her wetsuit before getting in the dunk tank on October 19th 2009. Click here to see her actually get dunked:

Sapphic Saturday- Lesbians are hot and funny

2009-11-07T11:21:00.007-06:00

I skipped class this morning because I still feel plaguey. But this mono-swine-flu-ague will not get me down, no sir! I made that list of blog themes and I'm actually going to try and stick to it. Sometimes. When I remember. So...

I am watching Exes & Ohs right now. It's a lesbian series (half hour comedy) on Logo. The first season started way back in 2006 and came out on dvd last year. We were originally told season 2 wouldn't be out until 2010 but it seems to be airing on some channel called the Super Channel which I don't believe I have. It is based on a short film by Michelle Paradise about the rules of lesbian dating called, oddly enough, The Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide. Michelle also writes and stars in the series. The main women in the show are a good mix of gay (Michelle Paradise, Heather Matarazzo, Megan Cavanagh) and straight (Marnie Alton, Angela Featherstone) and so are the guest stars (hello Cathy Debuono!) There is also the totally adorable Amy Dudgeon (aka Amy E. Thompson) as Emmy Beever (the cafe owner) and I don't know if she is gay/straight/bi/other but she (the actress) totally pings and I hope hope hope she's on the team...!

Here is the description from the season 1 dvd box/Logo:
"Meet Jennifer [Paradise], a documentary filmmaker with a vivid fantasy life (which we see) and a floundering career (which we also see). Jennifer wants to find Ms. Right... but first she must navigate the rules of lesbian life, most of which she learns the hard way. Fortunately, her friends are there to help: Sam [Alton], a sexy commitment-phobe who flips women faster than real estate; Chris [Cavanagh]and Kris [Featherstone], a lesbian couple expanding both their pet accessory business and their family; and Crutch [Matarazzo], a young musician who wants to be taken seriously but still has some growing up to do. Surviving singlehood, couplehood - and each other - has never looked quite like this."

It really is a cute funny adorable hysterical show and I highly recommend it. Now I am going to share pics and whatnot to further sway you ;)

Michelle Paradise and Marnie Alton:

Megan Cavanagh:

Angela Featherstone:

Heather Matarazzo:

Amy Dudgeon:

Heather Matarazzo on Crutch:

Watch Gay Video & Lesbian Movies

Amy Dudgeon/Thompson being adorable:

Watch Gay Video & Lesbian Movies

And you can watch many other interview clips on LogoOnline.com

Also, if anyone finds out what is up with season 2, let me know. And I'll do the same... if it isn't going to be on Logo I am going to be very sad.

TEGAN & SARA Tuesday!

2009-10-27T23:31:00.006-05:00

Yay Tegan and Sara's new album Sainthood came out today! They are my most favoritestest band ever. You all should head on over to Autostraddle to read the album review (and the b-sides)and Tegan interviews. After you check out this post, obvs. It has been brought to my attention that many of you cannot tell these awesome musical twins apart so I am here to help. I'll give a quick rundown of differences and I also captioned 20 pictures with arrows pointing to the tattoos that can help you tell the difference if all else fails.

Quickly- Sara has a longer, more oval face. She is smaller/thinner overall. Tegan has a more square face/jaw. She has her labret (chin) pierced although she doesn't seem to wear it much anymore. Tegan has more tattoos on her forearms and is more likely to show them. Tegan has a slightly lower voice and sings sort of out the side of her mouth. Sara has a higher, often more nasally sounding voice. Honestly once you start to notice a few little differences, you start to be able to tell them apart without having to try too hard. Then you'll look back and laugh at how you used to get them confused :D

Tada. Click any and all to enlarge. And you're welcome!

What's my motivation?

2009-10-26T17:10:00.002-05:00

So, I'm thinking I need to work out some kind of daily/weekly themed post idea to keep me motivated and full of ideas for posting on here, so it's not so random and weird. Yeah? Or maybe you all don't care, but I'd like to try and get things going/organized/whatever. Twitter and several of the blogs I read have a theme/post idea for each day and I'm using those as my starting off points. Feel free to yay/nay any and all of them, and throw me some ideas of your own...

Music Monday- Share a band, video, song, etc. I used to do this.
Meatless Mondy- Share a veggie/vegan recipe.
------------------------------------------------
Trans Tuesday- I've been collecting articles and links for a while with the idea of writing an essay about the truths and misconceptions of the trans community, because they are the most overlooked and margiinalized part of the LGBT community. I just can't seem to punch anything out. So instead I think I can do a weekly feature of a different trans actor/actress, musician, comedian/comedienne, etc. with some article commentary in between.
----------------------------------------------------------
Writer/Writing Wednesday- Perhaps I can kick my creative writing butt back into gear by occasionally posting poetry and essays (again), whether they are old or new.
-----------------------------------------------------
? Thursday- I got nothing. Help.
--------------------------------------------------------
? Friday- Ditto.
---------------------------------------------------
Same-Sex/Sapphic Saturday/Sunday- A weekend post highlighting something/anything lady-oriented-queer. Movie clips, photos, book reviews, etc.

I can't promise that I will follow each of these every week (esp Thurs/Fri since I have no ideas yet) but hopefully it will help me post more than once every blue moon. And I reserve the right to post something off theme/topic whenever I want, obvs ;)

Namaste, Chini

2009-10-14T12:46:00.010-05:00

I was going to write a post about coming out to my mom via text and about the thwarted trip to DC for the National Equality March... but after browsing through my celeb pics file and learning that Padma Lakshmi is preggers, I'm going to do a picture post of gorgeous Indian ladies instead.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me in real life that growing up in the Little India neighborhood of Chicago had a big impact on me. Even as a four-year-old, according to my mother, I was mesmerized by the window displays of saris and jewels and such on Devon Avenue. Right now I have saris for curtains and table cloths, incense & elephants everywhere in my apartment, Sanskrit and Ganesha tattoos, etc. I used to wear bindis and have henna/mendhi done in high school. When Gwen Stefani went through her Indo-glam phase, I was so excited! I used to wear bangles and harem beads all the time. I just love the colors, the textures, the richness, the history, the stories... I often lament that I was born on the wrong continent. But I know that had I been born in India my life would be a lot different. And I couldn't be gay. At least not easily and openly. So I guess living here allowed me the opportunity to experience the good without the bad. So, on to the pictures!

Shelley Conn- An Indian woman with an English accent. Be still my heart. Plus she makes out with Laura Fraser in Nina's Heavenly Delights and Anna Torv in Mistresses. Swoon.

Freida Pinto, another Indian lady with an English accent. And she is heartbreakingly gorgeous. Who *didn't* fall in love with her in Slumdog Millionaire? She also looks just like a girl I used to work with back in high school.

Oh Janina Gavankar. How we loved you as Papi. Too bad you had to play a Latina woman and not, um, an Indian woman. IRL Janina is such a geek, and seems so down-to-earth. She has even messaged me back on twitter a few times :D

Padma Lakshmi. I would never ask you to 'pack your knives and go'.

Parminder Nagra. Loved her on ER and in Bend It Like Beckham. Too bad you guys weren't a couple like was originally intended.

Aishwarya Rai. The classic beauty. Look at those eyes. Then go watch Bride and Prejudice.

Tilotama Shome. If you haven't seen Monsoon Wedding, go now.

Since I'm spending today avoiding homework/midterms I think I'll watch Bend It Like Beckham, Nina's Heavenly Delights, Bride and Prejudice, Monsoon Wedding, Slumdog Millionaire and a few episodes of Mistresses. Sorry Janina, I don't think I can handle any L Word today. Maybe I'll watch your episode of Dollhouse. (Yes, I own all of these movies/shows on dvd. Except Mistresses, but I have it on my computer...) And Top Chef is on tonight. Hm, I don't have time for all those today. Maybe just the highlights on youtube then ;)

WHIP IT real good!

2009-10-02T13:53:00.010-05:00

I'm about to go see Whip It. By myself (because everyone else seems to be sick or working right now, as usual). But I've been so excited for this movie since I first caught wind of it months and moons and eons ago. And Roger Ebert gave it a great review and 3.5 stars. And 'Grace Fox' gave it a fun and interesting breakdown/review. And really, who wouldn't want to see some of this, even if it is all subtext and fantasy:

I've been a sort of fan of the derby for a while, but oddly enough have never made it to a bout/match. I know girls from high school/my tattoo parlor/my hair salon who are derby girls. In Chicago we have 2 leagues, the Windy City Rollers and The Chicago Outfit. Both flat track. I even went on a date with a derby girl once (it was awkward and we didn't see each other again). BUT I'm almost certainly going to make it to the Windy City Rollers All-Star match later this month! I'm so excited!

To prepare myself for Whip It I went and made myself some possible derby names. You can never be too prepared, right? And using different combos of my first name, nickname, last name, online/twitter name, & positions (blocker, jammer, pivot) it gave me these suggestions:

-Belle Broadsword
-Bertha Broadsword
-Amelia BasHer (gave me this one twice)
-Beelza-Babe Brawl
-Allie Brawl
-Amelia VaudeVillian
-Belle Bellicose
-Allie Bombshell

I'm not 100% sold on any of them, but they aren't bad. And none of them seem to be taken yet. Now I just need to be able to skate without running into walls or getting things stuck under my wheels. AND...

Yes, please.

ps- Ok, it's a few days later now and everyone in my internet world has been talking about the awesomeness of Whip It and how gay Ellen Page is, etc etc etc (except Whip It could have/should have been so much gayer!). I think that Ellen, Kristen Wiig and Juliette Lewis made the movie, they were brilliant. Zoe Bell (and her beautiful accent!) was under utilized. Ari Graynor (the drunk best friend from Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist) was the barely there minor character who, as far as we can tell, was supposed to be a lesbian. It was a nice little nod to us, but it should have been a bigger part. It was great that the girls did 90% of their own skating/stunts because it made the derby scenes so much more amazing and realistic to watch. Great soundtrack to boot. And since I saw one of the first showings in Chicago, I filled out a little survey at the end and got a free Whip It tshirt. It's cute. And I've been thinking about derby names again. Like using a Dykon to make a good name. First thought was Melissa Etheridge, because how awesome would Melissa Deatheridge be as a derby name. So awesome, in fact, that it's already taken. Sob. So is Militia Etheridge. So next I checked some names using Ellen Degeneres. Ellen De Generate and Felon Dejenerate are taken. Hrm. Back to the drawing board. Not that I need an actual derby name because I'm not actually joining the derby... I can barely stand/walk as it is. But don't think that I wouldn't join in a second otherwise!

Sometimes I... wear makeup?

2009-09-28T16:27:00.005-05:00

I could probably count on one hand the times I've worn makeup. I don't mean like Halloween or Zombie Pub Crawl caked-on and covered in blood makeup. I've done that sort of thing many times. I mean like, eyeliner, eyeshadow, blush, mascara. I've pretty well failed in that department. Growing up with a crazy punk rock mom who does hair, nails and makeup pushes you in different directions and/or spoils you, I guess.

I never had to worry about paying to get my hair cut or dyed until recently. I've always been a nail biter (even my toe nails when I was a baby, apparently). And I've avoided makeup like the plague. Not sure why. It's just mostly never really felt natural to me. Before dances in jr. high and high school my mom would do my hair, 'tsk-tsk' at my nails, and then attack me with the blush brush and nearly poke my eyes out with the mascara wand. And then people would ask if I had on fake lashes (my eyelashes are naturally insanely long and always getting tangled together) and I felt like an impostor. It's not that I was so 'butch' that it didn't fit- I had long hair and sometimes wore long skirts, but I was more of a... of an androgynous, tomboy type. Sometimes I did my hair and wore lip gloss. My short nails were usually polished different weird colors. I almost always had glitter on my face (and in my hair...) I always had on pins, necklaces and all manner of 'accessories'. Doing the whole face makeup thing didn't do it for me.

So this weekend my friends had a Rock Star party to celebrate a few birthdays. The plan came about from wanting to wear a lot of eyeliner, drink beer and play Rockband. Everyone was to come dressed as their favorite rock star (or a generic one, if you couldn't think of anything.) There was no way I was pulling off Tegan (or Sara) or Amanda Fucking Palmer. Especially not with my new red-brown mohawk. So I asked for suggestions. And was told Annie Lennox, Sid Vicious or Flea. Not too helpful, although Annie Lennox wasn't far from doable. So I started looking at pictures of her and of 80s stuff and glam makeup. And then Adam Lambert (aka Glambert) popped into my head. Hrm. I was on to something. I could do 80s glam eye makeup. I had collared shirts and ties (and a tshirt that looks like a collared shirt and tie) and black pants. So I dreamt up this hybrid bastard glam-baby called Annie Glambert and went to Target to buy blush and charcoal eyeshadow. I already had a nice eyeliner and mascara (I think from Halloween?) And I think I did a decent job, especially considering I've never really applied my own eye makeup. And I did it in one try. But the camera flash seems to have washed out my face in the pictures. Trust me, I had on more makeup that it seems. I was glam-tabulous.

(click any to enlarge)
Pre 'outfit'... I think it's the flash that made me sort of blink and look like I was already drunk. I wasn't. I had zero drinks at that point:

I wore the tshirt that has a graphic tie, black pants and a black hoodie. My nails were also painted black.

btw- I dyed my hair myself, and my mom and I did my original mohawk, but Monica at Milios cut and trimmed and shaped it in nicely for me this past Friday (day before the party) and it is an excellent haircut!

2009-09-14T11:42:00.005-05:00

Aight folks, enough talk about my hair and illnesses, we got some serious bidness to attend to! (no, really, I promise, ixnay on the airhay) As you know I intern over at the faboosh 'girl-on-girl culture' website, Autostraddle. We are just a fledgling site, but we are about to molt our last baby feathers with a brilliant redesign! And to help us get the word out there, we need your help. We need your support. Aaaand we need your cash. But we wouldn't just ask you for money without making it fun and worthwhile, would we? Even though helping out the awesome site IS a very worthwhile cause. So:

"Please check out our Fall Fundraising Drive and consider supporting Autostraddle by buying a snazzy AS sticker or donating — everyone who does will be entered to win a prize from 410BC’s new fall collection and big donors will get their very own AUTOSTRADDLE T-SHIRT. So we want this to be fun for you too!"

AND

"In addition to the standard operating funds to function as is, Autostraddle presently requires the full-time work of a four-person core management team as well as the assistance of our seven contributing writers, photographer and editors and our 15-strong intrepid intern army."

So please consider supporting Autostraddle (and all Independent Media, really!) by donating and getting a raffle entry! It will be worth it. Then you should stick around and look at the all the pictures of Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore being adorable together. And Lady Gaga wearing things that aren't clothes. If you haven't looked at them already, of course! :D

I'm baaack

2009-09-11T21:57:00.006-05:00

I have returned from the land of respiratory ailments AND I got my hair recut. And I dyed it. I probs used a tad too much 30 volume peroxide and red dye in the 'mahogany'... but I like it overall nonetheless! :D

SO this is what my hair looked like back in June. About 2 weeks before I chopped it off for charity and then got an #alternativelifestylehaircut:

This is what my haircut first looked like on July 6th:

This is what my hair looked like on August 10th (how it looked when I left it sort of down):

This is how my hair looked on August 27th, with it all up and 'spikey':

And this is how it looks now today:

It still needs to be trimmed in a bit and refined (on Tuesday before class, if my mom is up to it) but overall I rather enjoy it. And I can't wait until it grows out a little more in the back so you can actually see the full mohawk! ;)

Yikes! And, I hate (most prescription) drugs.

2009-08-26T12:02:00.006-05:00

It's a good thing that I (mostly) prewrote those 4 posts before I was stricken with this plague Friday night, otherwise there still would be nothing new up here. You know, for the 2 or 3 of you who read this blog. It seems that the combination of illnesses going around, crazy weather and my allergies/asthma has sent my respiratory system into a tizzy (being around dogs, cats & cigarette smoke recently didn't help either, I'm sure). I have a slight chest/sinus infection along with horribly flared-up asthma. I finally went to the doctor on Monday afternoon when I had a 100+ temperature, lots of wheezing and non-stop coughing fits. I have an antibiotic (2 huge horse pills a day for 7 days!), prednisone (a steroid, which I HATE, also 2 pills a day, but for 5 of the longest days of my life!!), a renewed prescription for liquid albuterol for my nebulizer, and instructions to continue my allergy and asthma medication, rest and go back to the doctor if I don't see an improvement in 3-5 days. The antibiotic and prednisone are killing my stomach. But it seems to be slowly/maybe/sort of helping so I guess I should keep it up so I don't... die.

When I was younger and my allergies were out of control and my asthma was newly diagnosed, I was put on prednisone long-term. At a very high dose. The same dose that I am taking now as an adult. So starting at about 8 or 9, I was taking a full adult dosage of this drug, along with about 3 inhalers. And I was on it for a loooong time. And if you read the side effects and such or prednisone, it explains a lot about me:

Major
increased blood sugar for diabetics
weight gain**
facial swelling
depression, mania, or other psychiatric symptoms**
unusual fatigue or weakness
mental confusion/indecisiveness**
blurred vision
abdominal pain**
peptic ulcer**
infections
painful hips or shoulders
Steroid-induced osteoporosis
Long term migraines**
insomnia**
severe joint pain
cataracts
anxiety**
black stool
stomach pain or bloating**
severe swelling
mouth sores or dry mouth
avascular necrosis

Minor
stretch marks**
nervousness**
acne
rash
increased appetite**
hyperactivity
frequent urination**
diarrhea**
removes intestinal flora
leg pain
sensitive teeth**

The list is from Wikipedia, I've starred the side effects that have affected or currently are affecting me. After a while at the Children's Hospital downtown, where I was prescribed all those drugs, we switched me to a children's asthma/allergy specialist. He freaked out when he saw the dosage of prednisone that I was on and had me stop taking it immediately.

"Adrenal suppression will occur if prednisone is taken for longer than 7 days. This will cause the body to lose the ability to synthesize natural corticosteroids, resulting in dependence on prednisone. For this reason, prednisone should not be abruptly stopped if taken for more than seven days, and instead, the dosage should be gradually reduced. This weaning process may be over a few days if the course of prednisone was short, but may take weeks or months if the patient had been on long-term treatment. Abrupt withdrawal may lead to an Addisonian crisis. For those on chronic therapy, alternate-day dosing may preserve adrenal function, thereby reducing side-effects." (also from Wikipedia, cited from "Therapeutic and Adverse Effects of Glucocorticoids", U.S. Pharmacist)

Basically, being on such a high dose of a steroid for such a long time at such a young age meant that I missed my last growth spurt and started to gain a lot of weight. Not to mention it added to my sleeping issues and stomach sensitivity. Add in the fact that my asthma is also partially weather/exercise induced, and that I still take a few different asthma medicines, these things are not (easily) overcome. Certainly I am never growing those last few inches (but if, at 27, I could, I'd take at least 2-3 more inches, please...). Weight loss doesn't really come easy, if it does at all. My sleeping patterns are always fucked up. I have acid reflux disease and a really sensitive stomach (and bowel, since I'm being so forthcoming here). I feel like when people look at me they see this short, fat girl who doesn't like to exercise and I want to be like BUT I WAS ON THIS AWFUL DRUG AND I HAVE REALLY BAD ALLERGIES AND ASTHMA AND IT'S RUINING MY LIFE. But if you scream strange things at people, they usually don't want to be your friend anyway.

I don't tolerate medication very well overall. I could never abuse drugs. Vicodin makes me itchy and queasy and twitchy and uncomfortable. I experience all the bad side effects of Nexium. Claritin gives me headaches. Zyrtec makes me almost narcoleptic. Allegra and Tylenol don't even do anything for me. Aspirin is bad for my stomach and asthma. Almost all antibiotics screw up my stomach. I'm just a mess. I'm not even sure where I am going with this anymore. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am ill and that prednisone is bad. In fact, I'm going to blame it for me not being able to concentrate on what I'm writing. I can't keep my train of thought right now so I'm going away.

Mixtape Madness!

2009-08-23T11:55:00.003-05:00

So I've wanted to do this ever since it was International Mixtape Day/Week back in June, but as we all know, I became teh uber blog slacker. We did a bit on Autostraddle - The Autostraddle Turntable: Celebrating International Mix Tape Day - where we all (The Team & Intern Army) submitted tracks for the theme The Future Is Bright. We (the Intern Army) also made a huge play list entitled The Autostraddle Intern Army Ninja Pirates Pillow Forts & Beer Pre-Party Party Tunes (I made the cover, see right) for our Pride Weekend trip to New York.

Starting in the 7th or 8th grade (~1993) I was all about making tapes for myself. I would sit there with my radio and a pile of blank cassettes. I became a whiz at using the pause button just right to not catch too much of the rambling djs between songs. I would put on B96 or Q101 and try and capture every song in a summer countdown. Sadly, most tapes that I made before... 1998? were lost or taped over. But, when helping to clean out my parents basement for a garage sale this summer, I found a pile from my junior and senior years (ages 15-17) in high school. They were mostly mixes made for playing in the yearbook office. It was also roughly that time that I started making myself mixed cds aptly titled things like Elli's Cool CD Volume # and Chick Music. I have a whole stack of these. I also made mixed cds for girl(s), but I ditched those play lists long ago. Probs for the best. But I thought it would be fun/ny to share the song lists with you now. Maybe it will make you a bit nostalgic and make you want to burn a mixed cd of your own! ;)

First, the tapes: (spelling, caps, etc. as written on tape)

"School Type Songs (youth, high school, growing up, etc.)"
Side 1
-Baz Lehrman, Everyone's Free to wear sunscreen
-Third Eye Blind, Graduate
-Van Halen, Hot for Teacher
-Green Apple Quick Step, Kid
-The Offspring, The Kids Aren't alright
-Creed, I'm eighteen
-Soul Asylum, School's Out
-Class of '99, Another Brick in the wall (part 2)
-The Muffs, Kids in America
-Adam Sandler, Lunchlady Land
-Adam Sandler, The Beating of a High School Janitor
-Adam Sandler, The Beating of a High School Science Teacher
-from The Sound of Music, Sixteen going on Seventeen
-Adam Sandler, The Beating of a High School Bus Driver
-Adam Sandler, The Beating of a High School Spanish Teacher
-from Grease, It's raining on Prom Night
-from Grease, Beauty School Dropout
Side 2
-from Grease, We go together
-Adam Sandler, The Cheerleader
-from Anastasia, At the Beginning
-Sixpence None the Ricer, Kiss Me
-from Saved by the Bell, School Song
-Save Ferris, Under 21
-The Saved by the Bell Theme Song
-from Bye Bye Birdie, Kids
-from Bye Bye Birdie, The Telephone Hour
-Shampoo, Trouble
-Silver Chair, Anthem for the year 2000
-The Coasters, Charlie Brown
-Brak's School Daze: Yearbook
-Brak's School Daze: Toothbrush
-Brak's School Daze: Trust a Monkey
-Brak's School Daze: Gym Class

What a winner, eh?

This is an earlier mix, nameless, but it was recorded over my step dad's Def Leppard tape...:
Side 1
-AT THE BEGINNING (Donna Lewis, Richard Marx)
-HYMN (Adiemus)
-Yeha-Noha, Wishes of Happiness & Prosperity (Sacred Spirits)
-Sadeness (Enigma)
-My Heart Will go on (Celine Dion)
-Hymn to the Sea (James Horner, conductor)
-Friends (Keep the Faith)
Side 2
-Castle On a Cloud (les Miserables)
-I dreamed a dream (Les Miserables)
-Think of Me (Phantom of the Opera)
-Angel of Music (Phantom of the Opera)
-The Phantom of the Opera (Phantom of the Opera)
-Can't Help Falling In Love (UB40)
-Joyful, Joyful (Sister Act II)
-Oh Happy Day (Sister Act II)

that one was clearly for relaxing...

"Rock and stuff from CD's"
Side 1
-Enter Sandman, Metallica
-Dancing Days, Stone Temple Pilots
-Down, 311
-Falls Apart, Sugar Ray
-The Chemicals Between Us, Bush
-Last Kiss, Pearl Jam
-Merman, Tori Amos
-Everything Is Wrong, Moby
Side 2
-Charles Big Potatoe, Skunk Anansie
-Human Behavior, Bjork
-My Own Prison, Creed
-All That I Need Is To Be Loved, Moby
-Volcano Girls, Veruca Salt
-Smart Dogs, Kula Shaker
-MC5, Stone Temple Pilots

That's right, potatoe.

"80's Baby!"
Side 1
-Like a Virgin, Madonna
-Video Killed the Radio Star, Pres of USA
-Do You Really Want to Hurt Me, Culture Club
-How Soon is Now?, The Smiths
-White Wedding, Billy Idol
-With or Without You, U2
-Material Girl, Madonna
-Blue Monday, New Order
-Mexican Radio, Wall of Voodoo
-Too Shy, Kajagoogoo
-Just Can't Get Enough, Depeche Mode
-I Want Candy, Bow Wow Wow
Side 2
-Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper
-Manic Mondy, Bangles
-Walk Like an Egyptian, Bangles
-Papa Don't Preach, Madonna
-Blister in the Sun, Violent Femmes
-Blitzkrieg Bop, Ramones
-Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper
-Like A Prayer, Madonna
-Eternal Flame, Bangles
-You Spin Me Round, Dead or Alive
-Cherish, Madonna
-Lies, Violent Femmes
-I Wanna be Sedated, Ramones

I feel like there was some 70's in my 80's....?

Oh, here's a gem I found that's dated 2.15.96 which means I was just a couple months into age 14/halfway through Freshman year. It has no title. It doesn't need it:
(I didn't write the artists by the songs. But on the top I wrote, "Red Hot Chili Peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, Misc., Mighty Mighty Bosstones, 24-K (?), Bubblegum Classics, Bye-Bye Birdie, Silver chair")
Side 1
-Aeroplane
-My Friends
-Coffee Shop
-Warped
-1979
-We only come out at night
-Where'd You go?
-Don't go there
-Spanish Rose
-Israels Son
-Pure massqere
Side 2
-I'm a Believer
-I think we're alone now
-Candy Sugar Shoppe
-Ding Dong The Witch is Dead
-I think I love you
-Knock 3 Times
-Locomotion
-Judy in Disguise
-Codfish Ball
-Ragg Mopp
-Oo Babba Loo
-Halls of Desire
-Kids in America
-Tomorrow

That's right, I followed Kids' Songs with Tevin Campbell. I was a mix master!

There are 5 more tapes, but I'll spare you the full song lists. But I will give you the general titles:
1- "New Swing/Old Swing/New Big Band/Old Big Bang (Blues/ska)"
2- "Less Than Jake, Pennywise, Bif Naked, Daft Punk, Fatboy Slim, etc."
3- "CD, punk, soundtracks, space Ghost, BNL, TMBG"
4- "Bree Sharp, Creed, Bjork, SP, cartoons, The Virgin Suicides"
5- no title/name but it was taped over an 8th grade B96 tape. Side 1 is Oasis and Beatles. Side 2 is comedy and songs from Friends and Reality Bites

I should have been a DJ.

The cds:
I really started making cds towards the end of Junior year, once I started working at the Des Plaines Public Library and could check out all manner of different cds for pretty much as long as I wanted.... There are 9 volumes of Elli's Cool Cd that span well into college. Then there was a slight overlap to when I started making Chick Music of which there are 5 volumes. As far as I can remember, the only qualification for the Chick Music cds was that the songs had to be sung by a female, whether she was a solo artist or the frontwoman to a band. That's it. Then there is Songs from and inspired by 'But I'm A Cheerleader' which is the only mix that is that specific. Old Skool Vol. 1, Old Skool Vol. 2 and 'New' Skool Rap, HipHop, R+B, etc. + A little Latin Flava have to be my favorite series, for the titles alone... And the last few are Sad Songs for Sad Times, Covers, Baby! and Funtastical! and yes the !!'s are part of the title... and I made all the covers by cutting things of of magazines.

I think I'll just share a small cross section of these songs lists. If any one you really want to know the playlist to a cd that I don't list here... first of all, why!? and secondly, just ask and I'll send it your way ;)

"Elli's Cool CD Volume 1"
1- Juliana Hatfield, Daniel
2- Pancho's Lament, The Truth About Romeo [the Jack & Jill Theme?]
3- Beatles, Hey Jude
4- Jessica Riddle-Jacobs, I Want You
5- Jessica Riddle-Jacobs, Even Angels Fall
6- Fiona Apple, Across The Universe
7- Jeremy Jordan, A Girl Named Happiness
8- Mazzy Star, Fade Into You
9- 10,000 Maniacs, More Than This
10- Charlie Biddle Trio, They All Laughed
11- Charlie Biddle Trio, Les Feuilles Mortes
12- Gwyenth Paltrow + Huey Lewis, Cruisin'
13- B*Witched, Hey Mickey
14- Christina Aguilera, Reflection
15- Dexter Freebish, Leaving Town
16- Nancy Sinatra, These Boots Are Made For Walking
17- Joan Armatrading, The Weakenss In Me
18- Atomic Kitten, See Ya

Oof, can you tell what movies I was watching a lot of when I made that one? (Bring It On, Never Been Kissed, The Whole Nine Yards, 10 Things I Hate About You...) My life is a soundtrack.

"Elli's Cool CD Volume 4"
1- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Barenaked
2- Scapegoat Wax, Space to Share
3- Skip James, Devil Got My Woman
4- David Bowie, Heroes
5- Mohammed Rafi, Jaan Pehechaan Ho
6- Rose Polenzani, Heaven Release Us
7- Marcus Krause, What About Gillian Anderson?
8- Eva Cassidy, Time After Time
9- Moonpools + Caterpillars, Hear
10- Jessica Riddle-Jacobs, Come Home To Me
11- David Bowie, The Man Who Sold The World
12- Superchic[k], One Girl Revolution
13- Leadbelly, Where Did You Sleep Last Night?

Ok, yeah. In those songs I see... Gilmore Girls, Ghost World... and some Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. I'm sorry. But the songs are good.

"Elli's Cool CD Volume 8"
1- Cure, Friday I'm In Love
2- Tears For Fears, Mad World
3- Bjork & Thom Yorke, I Have Seen It All
4- Cake, The Distance (Live Acoustic)
5- Hoobastank, Crawling In The Dark
6- Bowling For Soup, The Bitch Song
7- Cher, It's In His Kiss (The Shoop Shoop Song)
8- Lou Reed, Walk On The Wild Side
9- Gavin Degraw, I Don't Wanna Be
10- Dead Milkmen, I Walk The Thinnest Line
11- Fatboy Slim, Weapon Of Choice
12- Gorillaz, Clint Eastwood
13- Damien Rice, Volcano
14- City High & Next Episode, What Would You Do
15- Jet, Are You Gonna Be My Girl
16- Ryan Adams, New York, New York
17- Loudon Wainwright III, Unhappy Anniversary [yep, Rufus Wainwright's dad]
18- Modest Mouse, Bukowski
19- They Might Be Giants- Boss Of Me
20- OK Go, Get Over It

"Chick Music Volume 2"
1- Jessica Riddle-Jacobs, Gone
2- Nelly Furtado, Legend
3- Leann Rimes, But I Do Love You
4- Stevie Nicks, Candlebright
5- Juliana Hatfield, Daniel
6- Sheryl Crow, Strong Enough
7- Leah Andreone, Happy Birthday
8- Rebecca Pidgeon, Kalerka [yeah, the actress, Mamet's wife]
9- Bree Sharp, Guttermouth
10- Tegan + Sara, Freedom
11- Hepburn, Sleeping Beauty
12- Bif Naked, Chotee
13- Chantal Kreviazuk, Green Apples
14- Mandy Moore, One Sided Love
15- Alicia Keys, Fallin'
16- Lisa Loeb, Stay
17- Lauren Hill, Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You
18- Michelle Branch, All You Wanted
19- Sam Phillios, Where The Colors Don't Go
20- Raincoats, Pretty

"Chick Music Volume 4"
1- Ani DiFranco, Fuck You/Untouchable Face (Live)
2- Christina Aguilera, Beautiful
3- Diana Krall, Popsicle Toes
4- Donna Lewis, I Love You Always Forever
5- Donnas (Electrocutes), Get Rid Of That Girl
6- Eve & Gwen Stefani, Let Me Blow Ya Mind
7- Eve, Who's That Girl
8- Go-Go's, We Got The Beat
9- Joan Osborne, One Of Us (Acoustic)
10- Kasey Chambers, Not Pretty Enough
11- Katy Rose, Catch My Fall
12- Leann Rimes, But I Do Love You
13- Liz Phair, Polyester Bride (Live Acoustic)
14- Majandra Delfino, Hell And Bliss
15- Murmurs, Basically
16- Rose Polenzani, Fell
17- Shawn Colvin, Sunny Came Home
18- Stevie Nicks, Needles And Pins
19- T.a.T.u., All The Things She Said
20- That Dog, He's Kissing Christian

I think that one is the gayest mix of them all.

The 2 volumes of 'Old Skool' songs include stuff by Sukiyaki, Arrested Development, Boyz II Men, Coolio, Kriss Kross, Salt N Peppa, Snow, Cyress Hill, Easy E, NWA, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Snoop Doggy Dog, Tag Team, Technotronic, Tone Loc, Vanilla Ice and Young MC. Songs of my childhood, yo.

I'll leave you with this...

"Funtastical!"
1- Asylum Street Spankers, Beer
2- Christy Carlson Romano, Chiquita Banana Song
3- Dead Milkmen, If you Love Someone Set Them On Fire
4- Queers, I Wanna Be A Homosexual
5- Rick James, Superfeak
6- Dixie Chicks, Sin Wagon
7- Eels, My Beloved Monster
8- Egghead., She's Coming Back
9- Eminem & D12, My Band
10- Strongbad, Techno Song
11- Loudon Wainwright III, Rufus Is A Tit Man
12- Liz Phair, Six Dick Pimp
13- Atari Teenage Riot, Sex Law Penetration
14- Megan Mullally & Sean Hayes, Uncle Jack Needs A New Pair Of Shoes
15- NERD, She Wants To Movie
16- Outkast, Land Of A Million Drums
17- Queers, Stupid Fucking Vegan
18- Rick James, She's A Brick House
19- Save Ferris, Saved By The Bell
20- Right Said Fred, I'm Too Sexy
21- Screaching Weasels, Cool Kids
22- Loudon Wainwright III, I Wish I Was A Lesbian

#wheniknew

2009-08-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

So we did this thing, these stories, at Autostraddle recently about everyone's gayiversary and/or when people knew they were gay/lezzie/queer/bi/otherwise inclined ladies. For some people those are very different things. Some people had very touching stories, some had funny ones. It also seems that Angelina Jolie and/or Eliza Dushku are the main reason for many of us, myself included, discovering the fairer sex.

Here is where you can read the Autostraddle posts:
-“When I Knew I Was Gay” Roundtable Part 1: What Would Happen If One Woman Told The Truth About Her Life (Riese and Laneia, a must read)
-When Did You Know You Were a Lesbian? Shocking Stories of Self-Discovery in the Roundtable Part 2 (Carly, Intern Hot Laura, Intern Daphne, Stef, Robin, me, Intern Katrina, Tinkerbell, and reader/intern submitted tweets)
-When Did You Know You Were a Gaymo? Sweet Stories of Lesbian Awakenings: Part 3 (Alex, Intern Emily, Intern Lily, Brooke, Intern Jess, Crystal, and reader/intern submitted tweets)

Here is my gay-iversary paragraph from the Autostraddle post:
"So, my gay-iversary is probs Pride Weekend (last weekend in June for Chicago) because Pride Weekend 2006 is the first year I ever attended the festivities. I was like, eff it, hey guys, um, I’m going to the gay pride parade this weekend, who’s with me? Also I got a tattoo of rainbow stars that same weekend. And I met the first/only girl I’ve ever been in love with (obvs that didn’t work out)… Until then I was ‘processing’ and had only told like 2 friends that I thought I might be a big old queer (I didn’t know they had secretly already spilled the beans)…"

And here are my #wheniknew tweets (the ones that did and didn't make the Autostraddle cut):

@autostraddle #wheniknew or at least started to know was when I realized how many angelina jolie movies i owned/loved, even the bad ones ;)

@LOL_a @a_ex Oh yeah, Eliza Dushku in Bring It On was another big hint (I was a little dense, apparently, I needed a lot of hints...) ;)

Hackers 1995, Foxfire 1996, But I'm A Cheerleader 1999, Bring It On 2000 & I still didn't know until ~2002 that I preferred the ladies...

...and then I still didnt *fully* admit it to myself or anyone else until ~2006

Oh thats good RT @leXmarksthespot Clea Duvall putting that errant piece of hair behind her ear 90 times in but i'm a cheerleader #wheniknew

So yeah... any of you have any 'how I knew I might be a queer' stories? Also, since the publishing of those stories on Autostraddle, two more interns came out to their parents. SO... the pressure is on. Eeeek.

I'm an angel with an attitude and my favorite color's red

2009-08-21T14:15:00.001-05:00

(this post was started on June 14th and finished August 20th. There was alcohol involved both times...)

Well. I have a beer. I've spent the day immersed in music and gay television. I am ready to start gushing (again) about The Ditty Bops. Yay Ditty Bops. Except I had this whole post worked out in my head last night and now I can't remember everything that I wanted to say. So, yeah. It'll all work out. Just stick with me.

I first heard of the Ditty Bops (comprised of Amanda Barrett and Abby Dewald) way back in 2004 when their first album came out and we had some of the songs as an in-store play at Barnes & Noble. Shortly after that I had the opportunity to 'see' them open for Tori Amos in the first rock concert at Millennium Park. I say that I went to 'see' them because during their set we were so far back on the lawn that we couldn't actually see the stage. But they sounded amazing. Soon they had a few cute videos out and a second album, Moon Over the Freeway, came out in 2006. They had a funky website (http://www.thedittybops.com/) with strangely elusive bios and such. But that was when they were with Warner Brothers. They aren't anymore. And we all know how *lovely* WB has been w/r/t their music videos being on YouTube. So sadly I cannot link you to any old stuff that isn't some kind of live performance. Also, the old site is no more. It reroutes to a new site with very little information on it. They have a MySpace and Facebook with music and newsletters, though. They are self-produced. They do awesome things like bicycle across country to lower tour emissions and make cute art out of recycled objects to auction off at shows. And they are fun and silly and don't take themselves too seriously. At least Amanda doesn't. Last night (at the Old Town School of Folk Music) she auctioned off her 'ugly art' starting with prices like $.19...

(that was the part from June)

Shift gears. I'm starting this post again. Amanda and Abby are married. They got married in the short window of time that it was legal in California last fall, but they've been together about 10 years. During the concert I saw in June Amanda told a cute story about growing up as a Ren Faire nerd and how Abby almost wouldn't go on their first date because it was at a Renaissance Faire and it wasn't her thing. Lucky for us they did go and it went well and so began their personal relationship. Their quirky musical performance career started shortly (a few years) thereafter. They are a fun mix of folk, jazz, swing, musical, western, acoustic. Their performances are part concert, part theatrical, with costumes, props, funny stories, and sometimes, a shadow puppet show. They play guitar, ukulele, mandolin, dulicimer, piano... and they sing beautiful harmonies. They are off the beaten track, but once you give them a listen, once you hear an interview or story, you'll be hooked. I'm going to try and show you guys a few good/fun videos AND I'll put up some fun pictures from photoshoots and such. Enjoy!

Shadow puppets!

Amanda is the tall redhead, Amanda is in the red shirt. This is one of my fav songs from them, Walk or Ride:

Fun live performance of Sister Kate with full band and period costumes:

One of my favorites of their new songs, Skinny Bones:

This is a little interview clip- they got a grammy nomination for their latest full length album (it’s eco friendly!)

And now, pictures!!

Hello Pretty Lady

2009-08-20T21:29:00.008-05:00

Ahoy there strangers and loyal reader peoples. It is I, queen slacker of the blogs. Tonight this bottle of wine and I are going to start making a dent in the list of posts I have been promising. I'm going to start simple though, with the pictures of Ana Fernandez.

Ana Fernandez was on the three seasons of the Spanish soap opera, Cuestion de Sexo, until it was (somewhat) recently canceled. She played Sofi, the daughter of the main couple. In the first two seasons she was 16/17 and apparently had a boyfriend/not a very big part overall. But in the third season she was 18 and came home from a summer/semester abroad with a secret girlfriend... Ana Fernandez is gorgeous, but because she is only 19 (20?) with a short resume, and because she is not from here, there aren't many good pictures of her on ye ole interwebs. So I gathered the few I could find and then I made some screencaps. I only made said screencaps from the first few episodes because it is actually sort of tedious and time consuming to make screencaps, but maybe I'll make some more in the future.

Here ya go!

These first few are some promo/red carpet type shots that I found. Eyeliner is a good thing...:

These are some screen caps from the first couple seasons that I found on a Spanish website (since I haven't watched any of those episodes):

And these are the caps that I made myself. The first few may be a tad out of order, but it's no big:

Sofi and Dani=adorbs. When they aren't fighting. Aw.

Oy.

2009-07-27T23:50:00.006-05:00

It's been a while folks and I apologize. But I've had school. And stuff (like an ER visit). And my mom has been sick and is having surgery again tomorrow, early. And the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk is coming up soon. BUT the semester is over this week. So soonly hopefully I will have some time for all the posts I've been promising- Ditty Bops, Ana Fernandez, mixed tapes, etc. Until then go read Autostraddle as I work (intern) there and we always have fabulous stuff going on :D

Also, I cut more hairs off.

Mission Accomplished!

2009-07-05T22:54:00.013-05:00

Yay I got all my hairs cut today! And I asked my little brother to take pictures of the process. He took enough to make a flip book! I won't post that many, but I will post a before, some during and a few of the final result. As final as things are for now, anyway. When you cut as much hair off as I did tonight, your hair usually goes into a shock of sorts and doesn't know what to do. So in a few days once my hair has settle in to this cut/style, we may cut a bit more off the top and use the razor in the back some more. Meanwhile, Locks of Love is going to be receiving my very long ponytail. And I'm way over the minimum for the 3-Day walk. So thanks to everyone for all the encouragement and support!

ps- I asked my little brother if he liked my hair. He said, with a completely straight face, 'No. I liked it long.' Thanks, bro.

Before we got started:

After losing the ponytail:

During the haircut:

Finito!!

Commit this to memory; Time turned fragile

2009-07-04T11:19:00.006-05:00

Did you ever have one of those totally normal, innocent conversations that jarred awake random memories from deep inside of you? Like, you were on a normal path and then something slammed you into another dimension that seems normal but feels just a little bit off, like everything is moved slightly to the left...?

Moo and I were just talking about wanting bagels and how the 12:05 Cubs game is ruining our chance to go to Einstein Bro's Bagels before she has to go off to work. And then she asked what kind of bagel and cream cheese did/would I want. And I was overwhelmed with these memories.

When I was 9 or 10ish, I used to occasionally go to work with my step dad's step mom (with whom we do not speak anymore- that's another long story...) and we would take the Brown line train from Western to somewhere downtown. And that train ride always thrilled and scared me because the Brown line is one that was built after the apartments (and skyscrapers?) so at times it zig-zags so close to brick you feel like it might slam into a wall at any minute. And right where we got off there was this amazing bagel shop. And they had all this amazing fresh cream cheese. And I always got either chives or strawberry (and once this fancy mixed wildberry) and a bagel and an orange juice. Then I would go sit at an empty desk in my grandma's office and write and doodle and read. I still remember the smell of that place. And how the lights always seemed like they wanted to be just a little bit brighter. I don't remember what building she worked in, or even watch she did. But that building was right along a branch of the Chicago River and when V.I. Warshawski was filmed they could watch it out the window. Later when there was that horrible city water main brake, their basement floors would be flooded and no one had to go to work until the foundations were inspected. There were those strange rubber mats on the floor and not a lot of windows in the room I sat in. But it didn't bother me since I've always been sort of afraid of heights. I just sat there with my bagel and my pen and paper and made up weird memos and let all the office ladies coo over me. It was different than when I went to work with my mom when I was 3-5 and she worked in the old lady hair salon in Skokie. At that place I would sit in the empty chair near my mom and pretend I was going to do hair one day. All the waiting old man husbands would give me candy and stuffed animals; I was the community granddaughter. And the messenger. My mom and the receptionist had this joke feud going on and would send me back and forth with insults for one another. My mom was only about 25, younger than I am now. I remember one time my mom had me go tell the lady that she had thunder thighs and I didn't get it but thought it sounded really funny and it made her really mad. I had to take naps on a folding cot in the back storage room where the salon stereo blared 80's hits. Later my mom would work at a much fancier salon in Lincoln Park near the lake. I was in school by then so I only really got to go there when I was sick. I would get to sleep on the funky bed in the waxing room. It smelled like hot perfume and made me feel safe. We would order deep dish spinach pizza from the Giordano's next door, and if I just had an ear infection (and not the flu) I got to sit in the kitchen and eat it with my mom. That place was so tacky 80's, the bathroom was all black enamel and mirrors, like Park West, the club down the street. My mom was dating one of the PW tech/roadie guys then so sometimes we would go from the salon to the club and they would set me and his kids up on the balcony with kiddie cocktails. We had to stay up there while the live bands played and everyone went off to do whatever drugs they were doing. It was ~1986; my mom was ~26. I feel like Take Your Child to Work day was really different back then.

All Alone All By Myself

2009-07-02T12:24:00.004-05:00

I'm having a hard time putting this weekend into words. Like if I keep it all inside I can keep it forever without it diminishing. And I know that's not how it works but I'm not ready. Everyone else has blogged about this weekend and their feelings and I've read them all and I get it and I love it and it makes the weekend feel a little bit closer but so very far away at the same time.

Bear with me. Bare with me. I'm just writing this as it comes.

I spent the whole weekend a bundle of self conscious nerves, but that is how I live my life. Sometimes it's better. Sometimes the panic attacks stay away and I smile and feel warm inside.

I spent more time going places than really being places this weekend, but I was always somewhere. Never in my life have I spent so much time with so many people I'd never met in 3D. In such small spaces. I drank more than I ate, slept very little in awkward ways, walked everywhere like I knew exactly where I was going (and I mostly did). I stood in the rain on Broadway talking with two girls I'd just met (but already knew) about everything and nothing for over an hour. I wore a bright pink sparkly cowboy hat in public (but not in the rain). I wanted to hug everyone all the time. Part of me wanted to hide in the corner. I'm trying to lose that part.

One time I went to Texas to meet a 2D friend in 3D. I went to her wedding. This was a totally different experience.

I briefly talked and flirted with a girl I had just met and will never meet again and I let her kiss me on the cheek and that is big for me and will probably not happen again for a really long time because I'm a big baby. But she did say she owes me a drink. Next time.

I still haven't told my parents why or how or what I went to New York for this time. They haven't asked. I haven't seen them since before I left but I will see them tonight and I don't know what they will ask or what I will say but I hope I say all the right things. Right for me though, not for them. Because I'm 27 and I'm queer and I intern for this great website and I met all these amazing people and we are friends in 2D and I hope in 3D sometime again and I don't want that to be a secret part of my life anymore. I don't want my life to be a secret.

I felt really old and really young this weekend.

I'm listening to our The Future is Bright Mix. The Pillow Fort & Beer Intern Army Ninja Pirate Pre-Party Party Mix is next. Even though we didn't actually make any forts. But we climbed out the window onto a secret balcony and talked about music and lube and where we were from and everything and nothing and I was only a little afraid to be up so high in the New York sky without a seat belt. I got bug bites and a bruise but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to do it all again. Except I don't want to see that old man get butt naked in the street and bend over to put on feathers again. I did not sign up for that.

One day I want to drink enough or feel free enough to dance.

Whaaaaat?

I want more than a handful of people to get that. Or maybe I don't. It's not the same without a megaphone anyway.

Tequila shouldn't be clear and liquor shouldn't glow green and taste like sugary rubbing alcohol. But it was and it did and we drank it anyway. I didn't do any shots. I drank a lot of beer. And ate Pinkberry. Soon we will have a Red Mango in Chicago but it won't be the same.

It was like, I didn't know these people but I did, and as soon as we were all in one place everything made sense and felt almost normal like we had done it before and will do it again. And I hope that we do. I've actually never been around so many openly queer female friends before. It was nice and I wish I had that here. To not have to explain myself so much. To look at everyone's shoes and hair and shirts and know how gay it all was and everyone knew how gay it all was and thought it was awesome and funny and ok. And real and right. There were more Tegan & Sara shirts and references and tattoos (well, just mine) than I'd ever seen in one places before. Except for that one concert I drove up to Madison for. I met a girl I'd never met in 3D before that day, too. But it was another totally different experience.

Now I don't know how to end this. Do I tell more specific details or share more abstract feelings or just start talking about something else altogether? Maybe I can put names to things. Cute moments.

Laura made a nest of pillows and sheets on the hotel floor and made really awesome cookies. Asher said underpants because she hates the word panties, and rode the bull. Also, she was Sooo Wasted. Tirna got drunk and silly and made faces and slept in the most awkward position on the floor. Duck was Duck. With a megaphone and an accent. Heidi filled the bathroom garbage with beer bottles and found the pleasure pack in the minibar. She's also a new queer. Emily and Katrina were one person. Emily had the same tshirt as my tattoo. We say Montreal wrong. Katrina threatened to give everyone alternative lifestyle haircuts and said flavored lube is bad. Lex also had a Tegan and Sara shirt and she lay down in the middle of Manhattan. She and I put on the Autostraddle temp tattoos. I didn't spend that much time with Lola or Nicole or Jess but they were still fun to talk to. Carly and Riese had this exchange while waiting for the parade:

Riese- Let's play strip poker.
Carly- We don't have any cards.
Riese- Let's play strip.
Carly- That's not a game.

I hardly talked to Brooke or Robin or Natalie (the token straight) but they were so sweet. Stef means business, she gets things done. Also, she is fun and interesting to talk to. A;ex is adorably concerned for people. She never seemed to pass me or any intern by without checking up on us. Which is extra funny if you consider that I'm older than her. I found out how Carly knows Josh which is still weird to me.

There are more feelings and moments but I can't share them all. My pictures are here. I've run out of steam for it. I don't want to share anymore. The rest is mine. All of this is mine and maybe you won't get it or it won't seem that awesome to you but it was. It was one of the best experiences in my life. All the love and the fun and the good.

Let's do it again. My door is open.

Who's got two thumbs & is in need of an alternative lifestyle haircut?! This girl!

2009-06-30T22:30:00.008-05:00

Well folks, it has happened. It is only June 30th and I am nearly $600 over the minimum donations needed for my walk (thanks to the triple matching done by the company of a family friend- she gave $250, her company gave $750) so all the hair has to go, not just a majority of the ponytail. I can't/won't go straight-razor-to-the-scalp-bald because I will look sick and gross & I will get even worse sunburn on my scalp than I already usually do, AND in a month, when the walk itself rolls around not only can I not afford to get a head sunburn, I also don't want to look like I just went through chemo like some of the survivors who also do the walk. That's just tacky and not fair to them. BUT I did say I would lose the hair. So I'm looking at super short crops/pixie cuts ala Laura Harris, Ruby Rose, Selma Blair, etc. just maybe a little shorter on top- input...?

Here's another Natalie Portman-

(Aussie Celesbian)Ruby Rose-

Laura Harris (this cut is probs 2 years old now)-

Selma Blair (maybe more even, shorter on top)-

It's just hair, right...?

2009-06-15T19:35:00.012-05:00

Back in 2002 I cut off my reasonably long ponytail and donated it to Locks Of Love. In 2006 I did the Breast Cancer 3-Day benefiting Susan G. Komen. This year I'm doing both. And I've decided to combine them in a way that is mutually beneficial. But to do so requires a lot of help. Your help. But in a sort of fun way. I hope.

Back in 2002 when I donated my hair I left enough on my head for a cute, short, sort of spikey cut. That's what I was originally planning to do this time around except that I can't seem to come up with a hair style that I really like. So basically I've just been putting it off and my hair has grown longer and longer. I have a long enough ponytail to meet the minimum 10 inches for donation to LOL and still have hair left over for a short bob. That's boring, I've done the bob thing already.

For The 3 Day walk, besides walking 60 miles I have to raise a minimum of $2300. Right now I am at $1202. That means I have to raise at least $1098 more before the walk (August 7-9), or pay the rest myself. The worry about making the $$ is putting quite the damper on my summer.

So here's the solution that I came up with. I'm writing this blog post and I am going to ask everyone to pass it around, email it, tweet it, reblog it, whatever. If that helps me raise the $2300 before the walk, I'll cut my hair super short and go with the boring option I've been avoiding... HOWEVER (here's the good part) if you all rally with me and help me raise more than the $2300 before the 4th of July, not only will I cut my ponytail off for Locks Of Love, I will also SHAVE my head! So I will be (nearly) bald and 2 charities will get the most out of me! But that doesn't give you all very much time to help me raise at least $1100... so get cracking and I'll get bald(ish).

(The 'fine print'- for me to shave my head my donation page- http://www.The3Day.org/goto/EABwalks60 must show that I have raised more than $2300 by 11:59pm central time on July 3rd. No telling me you mailed a check the day before. And no, $2301.99 is not reasonably more. I'm talking like... at least $2350 or $2400... It can be done. Especially if you take up a collection at work and see if your company does donation matching. And that picture of me is 4 months old, my hair is even longer now!! So get cracking and make me 'bald' FOR 2 GREAT CHARITIES!! Sorry, I don't mean shiny head, shaved with a straight razor to the scalp bald... more like cropped super short...)

UPDATE 1: 11:05pm Wednesday June 17th... I am now up to $1844.61 so I am only $455.39 away from having to lose my hair by the 4th of July!!

UPDATE 2: It's Saturday June 20th and I'm at $1914.61, just $385.39 away from shaving my head by the 4th... otherwise I'm just cutting it short (the bob or something). Locks of Love is getting a ponytail either way! Here is a picture of me/my hair today:

UPDATE 3: It's Wednesday June 24th and I'm at $2164.61, a mere $135.39 from having to shave ('shave'?) my head by July 4th. At least one of my friends has submitted their donation in for company matching, so I know for sure I will be over $2300 by the walk, I just don't know if I'll be that far over by the 4th of July- so if you *reeeaaaally* want to see me (nearly) shave my head, donate now. I've actually been looking at cute, super-short haircuts ala Selma Blair, Ruby Rose, Sara Quin & Laura Harris (cropped close in back, a little longer on top, sort of a pixie cut) to start getting ready to be rid of a majority of my hair... I like when Selma had the crazy cut that was shaved almost to the scalp on the sides and in the back and then funky on top...

She's so high above me, she's so lovely

2009-06-14T03:36:00.004-05:00

Erm. It's been like 8 days between posts this time. What's my deal? I have no idea. I have no excuses. But, I do have a couple posts in the works. Uhmm, besides the Ana Fernandez one I keep promising. One day I'll finish making the screen caps and get everything all organized for that. However, I have 2 music related posts that I will be sharing soon. Tomorrow (er, later today?) I should be getting up a post about The Ditty Bops. I just went to go see them again tonight and I'm itching to gush. Also, it was just International Mix Tape Day and we've had some stuff going on related to that over at Autostraddle, and that made me remember the tapes in my parents basement. When I was cleaning out my crap in my parents basement a few weeks back I found several old tapes I had made myself (from the radio and other tapes) and they are hysterical. Hopefully when I go visit my mom on Wednesday I will remember to fetch them so I can share them with all of you. I start summer school on Monday, and Wednesdays are going to be particularly bad as I will be in class (same room, same teacher) from 3:30pm-10pm, so we shall see what happens. Hopefully you guys are still checking in from time to time to see if I'm blabbing about something and you haven't written me off during this lull. If you have... come back! I'll make cookies.

How can I make it up to you? How about some song and dance and Jane Lynch?

2009-06-06T21:28:00.005-05:00

Holy 5+ days of no new blogs, Batman! Where have I been, what have I been doing? How could I leave you all like that? Shrug. I spent a few days down in Carbondale (Southern Illinois) with some friends (and the Sufis and the organic farmers) doing such exciting things as watching So You Think You Can Dance and Gone Baby Gone, eating at the Sufi-run, all vegetarian cafe and reading books with a too-smart-for-his-own-good, 2.5 year old, Shine, my honorary nephew. I even got Flora (Shine's mommy) to watch and fall in love with Glee!! In fact, it's my goal to get everyone to watch and love it, so I'm going to attempt to embed it here, in this very post. Also, I think I promised a post of Ana Fernandez pics and I shall deliver those shortly. Since there aren't many pictures of the Spanish cutey on teh interwebs, I've had to make a lot of my own screen caps from Cuestion de Sexo (which was sadly & suddenly cancelled!) so you'll have to bear with me.

Here is the preview/premiere episode of Glee. It starts full time in the fall with the director's cut of this fabulous episode. Jane Lynch rocks as the cheerleading coach. Jayma Mays as OCD teacher Emma Pillsbury is just so brilliantly adorable, you can't help but love her. And I'm now also in love with Lea Michele who plays the diva, Rachel Berry. Lea is 22 and has been performing on Broadway since she was 8. She is amazing. Everyone is amazing. All the kids do their own singing... Just watch it. How can you not love Rehab (Amy Winehouse) and Don't Stop Believing (Journey!) as performed by (high school) show choirs/glee clubs?!

Here are a few other videos. This first one is Lea Michele at Upright Cabaret singing Not While I'm Around from Sweeney Todd:

Here is another of Lea, this time singing A Little Fall of Rain from Les Miserables (with John Lloyd Young):

Here's the Glee Fall Preview #1:

...and Glee Fall Preview #2 (ohmygodImSOexcitedIcanthelpmyself):

NYC Pride Par-taay

2009-06-01T11:57:00.003-05:00

As a proud member of the AutoStraddle Intern Army I happily invite you all to our awesome (first ever!) Pride Party:

I will be heading out to NY that weekend to meet up with some of my fellow interns for Pride (and a 'pillow fort and beer' intern pre-party, obvs!) and then for our awesome AutoStraddle party (and then I will be flying home the Very. Next. Morning. in time for class! w00t.) Won't you join us?!

It's Music time, baby

2009-05-30T13:53:00.008-05:00

Yay, it's super happy fun ball time! (Hopefully without the vertigo or slurred speech!)

[Disclaimer- I am just a fan writing about musicians whom I love using the info I've gathered from the albums I own, shows I've seen, and the stuff I've read on myspace, facebook, wikipedia, etc... so if I got anything wrong or smixed up, just tell me nicely and I'll do my best to rectify the sitch, werd?]

This is the music post in which I salivate over Jenny Owen Youngs and friends. It's long overdue. Basically, if you've listened to Jenny you've probs listened to Bess Rogers, Dan Romer, Allie Moss, Andrew Futral, Saul Simon-Macwilliams, Ingrid Michaelson... I could go on because JOY and peeps are the kind of friends that make music together and apart not unlike all the members of Broken Social Scene. Let me try and break it down for you.

There's solo Jenny Owen Youngs. There's solo Bess Rogers. Bess Rogers has also appeared on JOYs solo work and written songs with her. There's a podcast called Once More With Feeling starring Bess Rogers, Jenny Owen Youngs and Andrew Futral, and it sometimes has a video counterpart. There's Age of Rockets, a band that includes Bess Rogers, Andrew Futral, Adam Christgau and Saul Simon-Macwilliams. Adam Christgau has also played on Jenny's solo stuff. Dan Romer is a producer/mixer extraordinaire who is also lead vocals/guitar for Fire Flies. He has worked on albums for Bess Rogers, Jenny Owen Youngs, Ingrid Michaelson, etc. There's Robot Explosion, a band that includes Andrew Futral, Bess Rogers, Jenny Owen Youngs, and Saul Simon-Macwilliams. Saul Simon-Macwilliams has appeared on Bess and Jenny's solo work. There's solo Allie Moss. She has also been backup vocals/tour support for Bess Rogers and Ingrid Michaelson. There's a 'dutch pop' project called Ingrid + Andrew that is Ingrid Michaelson and Andrew Futral. There's Jukebox the Ghost, a band Jenny has written/performed a song with. There's Au Revoir Simone, a band that has an Age of Rocket's remixed song. There's Gregory and the Hawk, Jenny's friends whose songs she likes to cover sometimes. The singer for Gregory and the Hawk, Meredith Godreau has also appeared in Jenny's solo work. There's Chris Kuffner who has played bass/double bass/produced for most of these people at some point, no exaggeration. I think that's all the major players. There is also Chris Garneau who is friends with many of these people and is also a musician, but to the best of my knowledge he hasn't actually played/recorded with them (but Chris Kuffner has played bass for him.) My apologies to any musicians who play on these various albums whom I haven't mentioned. You rock too! And of course I wouldn't really know about many of these fabulous musicians had Jenny Owen Youngs not opened for her friend Regina Spektor a few years back. I heart ReSpekt! Her voice appears in an early JOY song. So, did you catch all that?

ps- Do you tweet? You can follow Jenny, Bess, Ingrid, Allie, and Andrew on Twitter and see what kinds of wacky convos these friends have! For other band info you can follow Jukebox the Ghost and Au Revoir Simone as well. There is a twitter for the Gregory and the Hawk fan site, Wide as the Ocean. If you want the others... look them up. But most of them (like Dan) don't appear to tweet. Not yet, at least ;)

Oh no! I almost forgot to include the link to Ingrid Michaelson's song about Twitter. It's hysterical (and includes a little Eminem reference) :D

AND NOW... what you've all been waiting for.... THE VIDEOS!!

I'm going to start you off with one of my fav JOY songs, Fuck Was I. From her first album and edited (censored) for the interwebs, unfortunately. Bess is there too:

This is an excellent live recording of Jenny singing Voice On Tape. The original album recording of this song includes snippets of a voicemail from Regina Spektor. There is also a Robot Explosion version of this song, but I like this one the best:

If you don't watch any more of these videos... 1- Shame on you! 2- Watch this one before you leave! It's Jenny's cover of Hot In Herre and it's brilliant! When I saw her play it live, at the end the band started morphing the song into Oasis (Wonderwall) and it was amazing:

Here's a great new video from her album that just came out this month. The song is Clean Break, the album is Transmitter Failure:

Here is the first ever video counterpart to Jenny, Bess and Andrew's podcast, Once More With Feeling. They are nuts and it's funny:

This is a so-so quality video of a live performance of Bess Rogers playing Modern Man, accompanied by Dan Romer:

This is just a snippet of Secret (an old performance of a song on Jenny's new album) but it shows Jenny and Bess singing together and Chris playing bass between them. It also has good sound quality:

Factoid: Transitter Failure is a song that Jenny and Bess wrote waaay back in the day and performed on the Robot Explosion EP. Recently Jenny redid the song and it became the title track for her second album. Here is a performance of the song, it's so beautiful:

There isn't much out there on Youtube as far as Dan Romer/Fire Flies performances go, but this one isn't too bad:

Here is a great one of Allie Moss singing I Will Go Anywhere:

This past winter Ingrid did a song with Sara Bareilles called Winter Song. Embedding is disabled (for all Ingrid Michaelson official vids, actually), but it is soooo worth the click.

Here is a pretty good live recording of Ingrid Michaelson and Jason Mraz performing her song, You and I:

This is a fun and super recent video of Jenny and Jukebox the Ghost performing Last Person, the song that JOY wrote with/for JTG. When I saw them in concert here in Chicago recently JTG performed the song WITHOUT Jenny and I was sad:

This is Au Revoir Simone singing Fallen Snow, the song that was remixed by Age of Rockets/Andrew Futral:

This is my favorite Au Revoir Simone song, Stars. It's actually one of my fav songs of all my fav songs/artists:

Here is Gregory and the Hawk performing Boats and Birds followed by JOY covering GATH followed by GATH covering Beyonce!:

AAANNNNDDDD I'll leave you with Jenny covering a Dan Romer song, Rays. She also talks a little bit about her covers and is her awesome, weird self. I have heard the chord progression/medley that she talks about, twice :D

Oh, California... I'm sad to say this, but I am so ashamed

2009-05-27T09:53:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I marched down the streets of Chicago (again). In the rain (again). The California Supreme Court voted 6-1 to uphold Proposition 8, cementing the current ban on same-sex marriage in the state. In somewhat bittersweet news, they allowed the 18,000 same-sex couples who got married in those few legal months to remain married. I feel that Dorothy Snarker summed up my feelings here exactly:

"The jumble of a ruling by the state’s highest court yesterday only serves to highlight the inherent inequality of banning gay marriage. In essence, the court created three classes of citizen in California. Gays who got married when it was legal. Gays who aren’t allowed to get married now that it’s illegal again. Straights who can get married anytime they damn well please. It makes no sense and yet there it is. Hello, separate, but in no way equal.

I am thrilled for the 18,000 couples who get to stay married. To be forcibly divorced by the government seems cruel beyond the realm of unusual. But if good timing is all that matters between “I do” and “I don’t” in the eyes of the state, how is this fair? Justice is supposed to be blind, not arbitrary."

And if one more heterosexual, upper-middle class, white male tells me that we lost 'fair and square' and should stop whining, I will snap. I told one guy that he can talk when the general population gets to vote on his basic civil rights. We did not lose 'fair and square.' Rights of a minority group were allowed to be voted away by the majority. The government and constitution is supposed to prevent the tyranny of the majority, is it not? Major changes in people's rights are supposed to be legislated. No one would allow white people to directly vote to take away rights of black people. Nor young people to shaft the elderly. Men to deny women. Right? We didn't have people taking to the streets all over the country (or the world) when NY and NH started dicking around, did we? Because even though the decisions so far have sucked, it's all gone through the proper channels. Bills have been killed in Senate, House or Governor's office. It wasn't just put to a general vote.

However, I just found out that the Prop 8 ruling has moved to federal court! The lawyers suing on behalf of a group of same-sex couples are hoping the case will be seen by the U.S. Supreme Court on the grounds "that Prop 8 violates the U.S. constitutional guarantee of equal protection and due process."

Keep your fingers crossed, folks! One day things will be right in this nation and we will be able to tell our kids about how we fought for what was right.

Share Your Tattoo

2009-05-24T19:04:00.019-05:00

[I know this still isn't the post (er, posts) that I promised. But... oh well. Na na na na na. This is my blog and I'll do what I want ;)]

One of my 'tweeple' requested that her followers twitpic her their tattoo pics with the hashtag #ShareYourTattoo. But as we all know, I have 17 tattoos, and that would end up being like 14 tweets- that's just nuts! And since I'm taking a break from cleaning and painting to watch Food Network Challenge I thought I'd throw this post up with pictures of all my tattoos :D

My first tattoo- A blue Celtic crescent moon that I got when I was 17. It will be 10 years old this July! (Eric, Spider Tattooz):

These are my 2nd (Eric, Spider Tattooz) and 5th (Darrell, Spider Tattooz) tattoos. The green Celtic trinity knot was #2 and the word 'once' on the back of my neck was #5. I'm one word in the short story Skin by Shelley Jackson, a story she published through volunteers each getting one word tattooed on them. I'm the eleventh word:

Tattoo #3 is an Amy Brown fairy with the colors tweaked a little. The tattoo artist (Darrell, Spider Tattooz) and my friends found it to be very amusing that he had to add flesh tone to the fairy because I am so pale...

Tattoo #4 (Darrell, Spider Tattooz) is a bracelet of pink flowers, tribal art and an Emily Dickinson quote- dwell in possibility- from her only poem thought to be about her being a poet:

Tattoo #6 (Darrell, Spider Tattooz) is a cross of flames with the acronym G.R.A.C.E.- God's Riches at Christ's Expense. I added tattoo #14 (Robin, Metamorph Studios), the bottom portion, as a memorial to my brother Jeffrey, on the 4th anniversary of when he passed away. Tattoo #15 (Jerry, Tattoo Factory) is a little dude from explodingdog standing on the word 'nerd' in a fabulous font (that I can't remember the name of...):

Tattoo #7 (Darrell, Spider Tattooz) is a small asian elephant head. Elephants and asian (especially Indian) things are my favorite. This little guy could probably use a touchup:

My 8th (Derek, Tatu Tattoo) tattoo was my first 'large' piece. It's a dragon with the kanji for fire and water- my version of a yin yang:

Tattoo #9 (Casey, Tattoo Factory) is made up of rows of rainbow stars and tattoo #12 (Beth, Tattoo Factory) is/are the eyes of Buddha, so the combo of the 2, for me, is Pride and Compassion:

Tattoos #10 and #11 (Christopher, Tattoo Factory) go together. I got them both on my 25th birthday. They are both sanskrit/hindi in the devanagari script- Ahimsa (nonviolence) and Om (the natural sound of life and healing):

Tattoo #13 (Robin, Metamorph Studios) was my first truly large tattoo (dwarfing the dragon) and it still remains to be my largest piece. It's a beautiful, fairly traditional phoenix:

Tattoo #16 (Robin, Metamorph Studios) is artwork from Tegan and Sara's album The Con. The original artwork is by Emy Storey who is pretty well know for her T&S and Deathcab For Cutie artwork:

And finally, tattoo #17 (Robin, Metmorph Studios) is the large Ganesh and it is still in progress (color to come soonlyish):

In the Name of...?

2009-05-22T16:24:00.007-05:00

[We now interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you serious thoughts. I know you were expecting pictures of hot girls and some Youtube music videos, but you're just going to have to wait a little longer. They're still coming this weekend though, I promise...]

Perhaps you should all read this fabulous Autostraddle Roundtable post: I'd Rather Laugh with the Sinners Than Die with the Saints. I am so proud to be interning there. And to spare everyone a tome in the comments section, I'm writing my own feelings here.

The first time religion and I butted heads, I wasn't even born. My mom was pregnant with me and my dad took off. They weren't married. My mother's Catholic priest (and her own mother) condemned her to hell and declared that my bastard existence might be saved if I was raised in the Church. They made my mother baptise me as a Catholic and forced her to swear on a Bible that she would raise me as such. She consented only to raising me as a Christian. The only time I went to church or Sunday school was when I was in Minnesota with my grandparents. It wasn't enough for me to pick up too much of the Catholic guilt but I still remember a lot of the mass rituals.

My mother was a punk, a partier, but calmed down a bit later when she met and married my step dad and had my little brother. I was barely 8, my mom 29. She wanted to bring us to a church (and a view of God) that wasn't so hypocritical and judgemental as she had found the Catholic Church of her youth to be. She found a local Lutheran Church through a friend and we converted and became members. The Lutheran Church didn't condemn us to hell for anything, it seemed more open and understanding. It was like the big family that I never had. And so began my long, close relationship with the LCMS. I attended church and Sunday school. Later I took classes and was confirmed. I sang in choir, I played hand bells, I taught Sunday school, I attended youth group. I could recite all the books of the Bible in order (I still can do most of them. I own roughly 10 Bibles. I've read the whole thing). During Jr. high and high school I was involved in a lot of school activities but I still found time for church activities as well. I even found time to have one pseudo-boyfriend (he was really my best friend, we never even kissed, and he is now gay) but I didn't really date or have much interest in boys. If I did like a boy he was usually girly or gay (a sign?) and in my head I still had that idea of just waiting for the one I would marry and give myself to... True Love Waits and all that. I wasn't preachy or superior about it though. One of the things my mother had instilled in me was the idea that everyone is their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. and that there was nothing wrong with that. Most of my friends were (and still are) atheists or agnostic. I could never be part of a proselytizing church because to me religion and one's relationship with God is so personal, you don't throw that on others.

I was also really oblivious when it came to gay people. I guess I never saw them as somehow being different. My mom would see Rosie or Ellen on TV (I thought they were hysterical) and say things like, 'Why don't they just come out already? Everyone knows they're gay.' and I wouldn't be able to compute that. How did she know they were gay if they hadn't said? Why wouldn't they come out if it was so obvious and it was ok to be different? At the same time, especially in high school, there were so many girls that I thought were so cool, and I wanted them to like me and be my friend, and I wanted to be just like them. Still clueless, I didn't see that as a sign of my orientation- I didn't see that as crushes on girls. Even when girls hit on me (it happened a couple times) I was like, 'Hm, well, that's weird. Why me?'

I stayed home for college and commuted downtown for classes. I continued attending our family church and even attended (and chaperoned) two youth group trips to the huge LCMS Youth Gathering. One in New Orleans and one in Orlando. You know those scary videos you see of crying children in super domes, waving their hands in the air, singing? Yep. Two of those. At the same time I was making more and more gay friends in college. This wasn't the first time I was around gay people- I grew up in Chicago. My mom worked at a salon downtown where one of her coworkers/best friends was gay- But I was finally old enough to really listen and understand what was going on and hear what my pastor was saying about things like pre-marital sex and homosexuality. It was crap.

And then one semester there was this girl in one of my English lectures, oh man. She had the best (dykey) hair and clothes... I couldn't stop staring at her and I felt weird about it. That's when, at about 20, it dawned on me that I might actually like girls. And what did that mean? How could I go to church with my family and sit there and be a good Lutheran, a good Christian, if I was attracted to girls? My pastor said it was a sin. My mom didn't agree with him, but she still went to church all the time. Was it ok to go to a church and only agree some of the time? Wasn't it the point of belonging to a particular church that you should subscribe to all it's tenets? My pastor said yes, some people said no (I didn't ask directly, but youth group Bible study questions about things like abortion came up) and I didn't know what to believe. I just knew that I no longer felt comfortable sitting there, front row, next to my pastor's daughter, listening to him talk about how you shouldn't even shake the hand of a homosexual. Before, when he had said things like that, I tuned him out, silently disagreed. But now it made me sick. It made me angry. And it made me realize that by going to that church and listening to those sermons, it made people think that I believed the same things. And I didn't, I couldn't. I had many gay friends and was thinking that I might be bisexual, how could I listen to this voluntarily? I wasn't a bad person, so why should I be made to feel badly about myself?

So I began to distance myself. I did some real soul searching. I began reading up on Eastern religions, things that had already always fascinated me. I grew up in the portion of Chicago called West Rogers Park- Old Jewish Town meets Little India- and I knew a lot about Judaism and Hinduism. I, like most people, really enjoyed learning about Buddhism and it's way of focusing on yourself, of putting out only kindness. And I started joining chat rooms and groups online where I could meet and talk with other LGBT people to figure out where I fit in. I met a few girls, we hung out (secretly, of course). And as soon as I graduated college and got a full time job (and eventually moved out) I stopped going to church all together (except for holidays with family). As luck would have it, I ended up working at the gayest Barnes & Noble in all the land. It was with these coworkers that I attended my first Pride parade (and met the first girl who I would love and who would break my heart). And the same weekend I went with an old friend and got a tattoo of rainbow stars. I was 24, living on my own for the first time, being open about being queer to my friends and coworkers (I had moved on from thinking I was bisexual) and not going to church. And feeling guilty about not going to church. And not telling my family, especially my mom, what was going on in my life.

That's the thing I'm still having trouble with, coming out to my family. My mom is a fairly liberal, open-minded person, and I don't think she would have a problem with me being queer, but it's still a hard conversation to try and have. Especially since, as she gets older and gets sicker, she's gotten more religious. It's still weird to me to see and hear my mom constantly talking about God and her faith because when I was little she had an orange crew cut, smoked pot, wore crazy clothes and never mentioned God. But I understand that her faith is so important to her because she has almost died so many times and could honestly die at any time now. And then there is the rest of my family. I'm actually not really related to most of my family, they are my step dad's family and he never legally adopted me. But I grew up with them and consider them my real family. And a lot of them are conservative. Not mean or hateful, but they have conservative Christian values. That's true even of what's left of my mom's family. A lot of my cousins went to Catholic school. Some of my uncles and cousins are a bit racist, sexist and homophobic in their jokes and comments. My mom and I have always been the 'weird, liberal' ones who liked hair dye and tattoos. Now it's like I'm out here on my own. With each new tattoo my mom asks if I'm finally done. My pastor used to ask if I could pick up Radio Free Europe with my piercings. So now here I am at 27, still in the closet when it comes to my family. Afraid of what most of them will do or think of me when they find out. Afraid that one or more of them might condemn me to hell like that old Catholic priest. Afraid of not having them there. When I was little and it was just me and my mom and our little self-made family it wasn't hard for us to be who we were. Now there is so much at stake.

But in all of this I haven't lost my faith in God. I know He is still there for me, with me, queer parts and all. He isn't the one doing all this killing and condemning and hating. People are doing it in His name, but they are wrong. So much of organized religion seems to have become about hating and brain washing- they don't even understand the book they claim to preach from. I don't feel the need to go to church or subscribe to any particular religion because I don't believe that anyone has gotten it right. How could they have? Mankind is imperfect. Mankind is jealous and hateful. Mankind starts wars. Mankind seeks to put others down, to take away their rights. With all of that, why would I believe what they say about my soul, my future, my life?

I think about how to talk to my mom about this everyday. Should I call her? Write her a letter? Get in the car and drive over there? I see her once a week (or more, with this last surgery) but can never say out loud what is running through my head. Actually, I do have some family that knows I'm queer. I only got to meet my sisters about 5 years ago and I wasn't going to start things off on a lie. I didn't come right out and say anything, but I never hid anything from them. I am also Facebook friends with a few cousins who may or may not have read things that I've posted. If they've figured things out, they haven't said anything to me, which may be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. I've wanted to tell my pastor's daughter, Sarah, so badly. She and I used to be so close. When I moved away and stopped going to church we grew apart. A couple of years ago she got pregnant. She wasn't/isn't married and it was a big deal. After a lot of grief she ended up keeping the baby (a little boy called Johnny) and my pastor is still weird about it. I wanted to call her and tell her that I knew what it felt like to be an outsider, to be alienated. But really, my struggle was private. I didn't have to be the pastor's pregnant, unmarried daughter at service every Sunday. And people seem to see pre-marital sex as a lesser sin than homosexuality, even though 'all sin is equal in the eyes of God.' (A whole other argument I have about the made up levels of hell and sin- that's not in the Bible, it's a Catholic construct used to control people!) So... at least she's straight, right? I don't know.

It just makes me so sad and angry when people use God and the Bible to drive people away instead of bringing them closer. God is supposed to be about love and forgiveness and acceptance. Like the people who protested Kevin Smith and Dogma, they missed the point. Like Margaret Cho said, as Jesus would say to everyone if He were to come back today- 'THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!' I'll leave you now with a few of my favorite quotes. Quotes about love and life and acceptance. Words to live by.
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"I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act."- Buddha

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."- Buddha (Yes, it's the same quote on Autostraddle but I've loved it forever and it's on my MySpace profile!)

"So the moral of this story is: There's only one true judge, and that's God. So chill, and let my Father do His job."- Salt N Peppa (None Of Your Business)

"Maybe you don't like your job; maybe you didn't get enough sleep. Well, nobody likes their job, nobody got enough sleep. Maybe you just had the worst day of your life, but, you know, there's no escape and there's no excuse so just suck up and be nice."- Ani DiFranco (Pixie)

"Be strong. Serve God only. Know that if you do, beautiful Heaven awaits."- Arrested Development (Mr. Wendel)

"No day but today"- Jonathan Larson (RENT)

"That's life. If nothing else, it's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."- Garden State

"Pay no more attention to the things that you stand for, sit back, relax, enjoy the war from your living room. Holocaust and cable at a fraction of the cost and just to make sure that you don't get lost, here's the media, media, media..."- Bree Sharp (America)

"I wanna be in the minority, I don't need your authority, down with the moral majority, cuz I wanna be in the minority"- Green Day (Minority)
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That's all for now. And just for the record, when I say I'm queer it's because I don't identify with the word lesbian. I'm ok with the word gay, but I prefer queer. I'm attracted to women, ftm's and sometimes really genderqueer males. I think the definition is a bit different for everyone. And that's how it should be.

Schools out for....?

2009-05-21T23:49:00.000-05:00

Well, my spring semester is done. My fundraiser happened. I've got nothing but time on my hands. I should clean. I've spent a good chunk of time recently trying to figure out if I'm doing more community college before attempting grad school or... I don't know. Should I just pack it in? Who knows. What I have determined is that I have 2 photo/video posts almost ready to go. And I know I owe everyone another music mania post. So those will probs roll out over the next couple of days. Also, if you notice, I'm getting a little Mike Doughty with these pictures (When Doughty blogs he includes pictures that he took that don't always necessarily have anything to do with what he is saying...) I also have a totally random confession. Today (thanks to an Autostraddle Daily Fix link) I added Kristen Stewart to the people I follow on Twitter. Ok, two confessions. I am totally in love with Mary Alice, the receptionist/shop manager of Charm City Cakes (Ace of Cakes). It's the tattoos and sarcasm and Rockabilly hair and bad jokes/puns.

Finals- One down, one to go

2009-05-14T11:54:00.005-05:00

Last night was my final presentation in my Graphic Design I (Illustrator) class. The assignment was to design an 18"x24" poster of a person whom we admire, showing in the poster the things about them that we find fascinating/admirable. I, of course, did Amanda Fucking Palmer because she is amazingly awesome and talented and not afraid to be herself and make her art her way, even if it means she is constantly fighting with her record label. When my prof and I were looking at pics of AFP online, trying to decide how to best represent that, my prof came up with the idea of making AFP wearing a bandolier (like she is in many WKAP pics) but have the bandolier hold a paino keyboard, a uke, a computer keyboard and mouse and her ReBellyon picture. It was a good idea in theory, but with AFP in a crazy outfit and then all that stuff on top of her... the poster got too busy and hard to read. So I came up with my own stripped down version of the poster. And my prof wasn't too impressed. And none of my classmates even knew who AFP is. So... there goes my A. Oh well. I did get 100% on the written and demonstrative final last week, so hopefully overall I still end up with a B in the class.

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Tonight is my painting final critique. We only have to show the last 3 paintings that we did (the construction 'painting', the master reproduction and our self portraits), but I'm going to also post the pic of my montage here so I can see all my real paintings from this class together (I'm leaving out the black and white still life and the spectral color fruit projects because they were just exercises done on canvasette).

This is the montage made using pictures from marine and aquarium magazines. I still don't have a proper title for it.

This is the construction painting. I blogged about it before and talked about how it had a music feel for me. I've decided to call it 'Symphony in ROY G BIV'

This is a reproduction of (one of) Monet's Evening in Venice, 1908 (Or Venice at Dusk... he had a few different versions out there. Some were more red, some more yellow.) My version is too pink, I know. The more I tried fixing it, the worse it was getting.

This is 'Self Portrait with Hiroshige' and it's supposed to look like I've torn a whole through the canvas to look out from behind it.

Dramatix

2009-05-13T13:10:00.005-05:00

How can there be so much drama if everyone claims to hate it? Mystery of the ages, I guess. But I'm not here to create drama. Just share a poem. It took some drama to get it back, but like Bill said, all's well that ends well. I wrote this poem for a girl over 2 years ago (because she asked me for a poem, and I was smitten) and then not too long after I got fed up with her crap and we parted ways. Then several months back I wrote a little FB note about how I regretted deleting the poem from my computer (and blogs) because it was a decent poem. It was just an observation about acting rashly when you're upset. And a little drama-creating birdy shared that note with said girl who in turn emailed me an 'apology' and blah blah blah. Whatevs. A couple days ago she finally emailed me a copy of the poem and I'm going to share it with all of you because it's pretty and I'm glad to have it back and I'm glad to have something nice to share, considering all the rain and all the crappiness I've experienced lately. (And drama-creating birdy doesn't read this, as far as I know, so I should be safe... No offense to the birdy. Some people create drama without trying/bad intentions.)

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If I could write you a smile -

Flushed cheeks,

Rose red lips and

Dimples put to paper -

I would do it for you.

I would capture the springtime -

Green grass and sweet air,

Full trees and bubbling creeks,

Blue skies and hints of life -

In a jar for your bedside.

To see your eyes smile I would

Strike bugs from existence (the poor things),

Bring the beach to your doorstep,

Grow you fields of roses, white tipped with red,

And keep the gray cold of winter at bay.

I would be myself for you -

Write sappy poetry at your behest,

Admit shameful move loves,

And smile way too much -

Show you the essence of myself.

(ps- I took that picture at the lake recently. I'm going to post a series of 'walkinig by the lake' pictures soon because I do take a lot of nice pics down there, esp when I'm doing my training walks)

Music Mania

2009-05-11T22:08:00.000-05:00

Hellooo everyone! Here it is, a new music post. We'll call it... Music Mania MONDAY! YAY! Phew, ok. I'm better now. Not sure where that bit of over enthusiasm came from but I promise it's done now. So this music post will be the Warm Fuzzies. No. That's almost too cute. The Chills? Goosebumps? I dunno. Anywho, it's Terra Naomi and Jay Brannan.

Terra Naomi is another person/musician that I heard of from Arlan. Terra sounds a bit like Alanis Morissette but without the misplaced anger and non-ironic irony. (Now, now, I love Alanis, but there's no denying what I just said so don't get angry with me) Some of you may actually recognize her song Say It's Possible as it won the first ever Youtube "Best Music Video" Award in 2006. (Jay Brannan also did a brill cover, but more on that later!) Sadly I've never seen Terra live because it seems that most of her shows are at Hotel Cafe in LA... and I've never even been to California. But Terra is the real deal, hands down. She is a true artist. When her label made her put out a cd that she wasn't proud of... she stopped it from being released in the US and left her label to do things her way! Right now on her website she is selling signed copies of cds to help fund her new album. And even if you care nothing about her music or politics (why are you even reading this then?) you will at least appreciate her covers. I can watch them on youtube forever. All I can do is gush so I'll get right to the videos :D

Say It's Possible:

And now two of my favorite covers by Terra- Amy Winehouse's Rehab & Sublime's Santeria:

For mucho more awesomeness give her a listen- http://www.myspace.com/terranaomi

Jay Brannan, Jay Brannan, Jay Brannan. What can I say about this cutie? I was watching music video on Logo one night and I see this adorable little gay boy singing a beautiful song. In black and white. And he looked really familiar. So I dids my internet magic and found out that it was Jay Brannan from Shortbus! His song Soda Shop was even in the movie. His songs are so emotional, so raw. He is unabashedly himself (re: gay and vulnerable and a bit goofy) in his writing and performances. He does a brill cover of Terra Naomi's Say It's Possible and he did a funny song with Margaret Cho. I shall show them to you now! :D

Let's just start with the cover because it's a video of a beautiful bald gay boy singing while shirtless ;)

Here's Jay and Margaret giving a little Relax Your Neck advice:

This is one of those songs that gives me goosebumps. I believe there's an actual video for this song, but I love his in-home recordings with his cute little intros:

And here is Jay chatting about Shortbus and then singing his song, Soda Shop:

Yay, enjoy! More music posts to come soon. And at more regular intervals, I hope... :)

Stolen time

2009-05-09T20:19:00.007-05:00

My Uncle Tony was an artist. When I was little he would show me his beautiful etchings in metal. Delicate. He made pewter praying hands for my grandma. I wonder who has those now? He had a coffee table that he made himself. He used to make me little drawings whenever I asked. He was a tall man, a giant. A six-foot-plus tower with a long, dark, bushy mane and beard that made him look a lot tougher than he was. He was a gentle giant. He grew up with four pushy sisters, an abusive, alcoholic father, a mother who was constantly defending her German heritage, and dumbo ears. Yes, Tony had ears that stuck out from his head like sails. And my grandma used to cut his fine, then-blonde hair into a flat mohawk of sorts which only accentuated his ears. Torture. I always remember him wearing the same thing when I was little. He had his big black boots, dark jeans, t-shirt and/or thermal and/or flannel, and a trucker hat. It was a look he perfected in the 1970s and never gave up. His heart was broken then (his spirit was already damaged) and he stopped moving forward. The woman he thought he was going to spend his life with left him. Left him with four pushy sisters, an angry (recovering?) alcoholic of a father and a mother who tried to defend him, even when it maybe didn't seem like it. He drifted along, job to job. Sometimes he lived on his own. Sometimes he lived in his parents basement. I lived there, too, when Tony was living in the basement. When I was little and my mom was sick and/or going to beauty school, I lived with my grandparents, and my uncle lived in the room they built him in the far corner of the basement, near the washer and dryer. He worked nights and I would wake up early, even when I didn't have school or camp, just so I could see him. He would come in with a brown paper bag- beer for him, m&m's for me. We would share this odd morning snack, then he would go to sleep and I'd continue on my day. Some point after that he lost his license. It was not a permanent loss, but it wasn't the only time he was without. He and my grandfather were still not reconciled. Most of my grandpa's kids still haven't forgiven him for how he was when they were growing up. My grandma held the relationships together as best she could, which isn't saying much. When she got sick a few years ago, all the kids came home. I drove to pick Tony up and we talked like old friends. My Uncle Tony and Aunt Pat sort of tried to talk to my grandpa. Then my grandma passed on two years ago, Gabe continued to be bossy, Tina continued to be needy, my mom tried to play peacemaker, Pat stopped trying to have a relationship with any of us, and Tony felt like he couldn't try anymore. At least not with my grandpa. My mom wanted Tony to move here by us. Get a job, stay with them in the suburbs, take the train or bus places. Anywhere had to be better than small town he was stuck in. Tony lived with his only friend Joe in a town not 10 minutes from my grandpa and Aunt Tina, but he never saw them. Then Joe moved into the city to be by his sister. Tony had only recently gotten a car. He was working a job he had been at for about a year. Times are tough in a small town for a 52 year old man with a bad liver and almost no teeth. He spent a lot of time between jobs. He had no money or insurance to get his teeth fixed so he just started to loose them. My mom wanted to help get him dentures. Maybe get him to trim his graying mane into something a little less bushy. She wanted my grandpa and uncle to reconcile before my grandpa's pacemaker stopped working. My mom and grandpa were worried that it would be too late for them. I don't know what Tony thought. My mom called me hysterically crying today (which at first worried me because she still isn't doing all that well from this latest surgery) and she could barely get words out. My Uncle Tony was found dead in his bed. 52 years old, all alone. He had probably been gone for 6 days. He was home from work with a pinched nerve and he died and no one found him for 6 days. He never reconciled with my grandpa. Not close to any of his sisters, really, except my mom. We don't have any details yet but they say it looks like natural causes. 52 and alone, natural causes. My mom is devastated. She loved her poor lonely artistic misunderstood brother so much. And since she isn't well and had surgery #32 just a month ago, she cannot travel from Chicago to Minneapolis. My brother and I have finals this week. My stepdad can't leave work or my mom. This means that my Uncle Tony's funeral will be attended by the estranged father he rarely spoke to, 2 of his 4 sisters (one of whom said his life was a waste), an aunt, a few cousins, and his only true friend (beside my mom). Maybe a few nieces and/or nephews. Hopefully. Maybe a few old drinking/hunting buddies. It breaks my heart. I hope that he passed peacefully and painlessly in his sleep. I hope that he didn't feel alone. I hope that he felt our love even though we rarely saw him, that he knew my grandpa wanted to talk to him again but he just didn't know how. I hope my uncle was having a beautiful dream that the woman who left him broken 30 years ago came back for him, that he left us for her and eternal happiness.

This was February 6th, 2007. My grandma's 75th birthday. Three weeks before she died. The first time they had all been together in almost 15 years and the last time they would all be together. That's Tina crouching next to my grandma, my grandpa, Aunt Gabe, Aunt Pat, my mom (when she could stand a bit better) and my Uncle Tony.

May Tony and my Mayma rest in peace.

Yippee, or And then there were 5 (almost 6!)

2009-05-06T13:11:00.005-05:00

I'm taking a quick break from studying for part one of my lame graphic design final to bring you all this wonderful news. The governor of Maine has signed the same-sex marriage bill into law, stating he thought it was the right and fair thing to do! Yay! So here we are:

1- Massachusetts
2- Connecticut
3- ~~California~~ Iowa
4- Vermont
5- Maine!!
(6- New Hampshire? It's sitting on the govs desk...)

Maybe I should consider moving east...

ALSO! This wonderful collaboration video was made using Lily Allen's song Fuck You. It's for all the homophobes and haters out there. (Hat tip to Queers United!):

Epic Fail

2009-05-05T13:59:00.002-05:00

AAAHHH! I know, I know. Where's the Music Monday blog post? It's there. It's in drafts. It's only half way done! I'm sorry. But I've got the end of the semester projects/finals (I'm painting a self portrait and drawing a poster of Amanda Fucking Palmer in Illustrator), 3-Day training walks and fundraising (http://www.The3Day.org/goto/EABwalks60) AND I'm now interning at Autostraddle! But Elli, you might say, what about that time you waste trying to sleep between 2am and 10am? Shrug. It's true, I do waste a chunk of time trying the sleep thing every day. I'm not quite ready to give that up yet even though it's something I fail at regularly. I should absolutely have 1-2 music type posts up by Friday. The trans community deal is just going to have to wait. I have so many web links, ideas and feelings that it's just going to take me a while to get it all together. Until then... enjoy this cute little video I took of my kitty Zephyr the other day :D

(That's Jenny Owen Youngs playing in the background. She's another music-post-in-progress)

What to do, what to do

2009-04-30T11:54:00.005-05:00

There are two things that I really want to write about right now- Terra Naomi (in another super happy fun awesome music post full of videos) and the trans community (particularly the under representation in media AND the issue of trans children, a topic that's been on my mind for a while but was brought back to the front burner by an Autostraddle post)... But it's such a blah day out and I have a headache so I'm not feeling very productive. I'm not sure I can fully commit myself to either at the moment (especially the epic post that the trans topic would become...) I guess that's the big bonus of writing a small, personal, random blog that almost no one reads- I can do what I want, when I want. Na na na boo boo :D So... If anyone has any opinions on these topics that you'd like me to include in these posts-in-progress OR if you have something else entirely you think I should write about, let me know. Until then you get a picture of me in a homemade gay pirate hat. Because it's funny and it has magical powers. Of cheering. Or something.

We're All We've Got

2009-04-27T21:07:00.009-05:00

Look at all those days that passed between posts! Except really I've slowly been working on that web TV post for days. And I was busy being a drunk zombie this weekend. Also, I forgot to mail my rent and health insurance checks. Ruh oh. But that's not why we're here right now, is it? Today we are here to talk about Angie Mattson.

I first saw Mattson perform around this time last spring when she opened for Uh Huh Her at Double Door here in the Windy City (or, as I like to call it, the Rainy Fucking City because that's all it's been doing for days and days). And saw her I did. Couldn't really *hear* her at all, though. It was wall-to-wall lesbians and hipsters chomping at the bit to see UHH and I couldn't actually hear a damn thing. All I could see was this tiny girl with a guitar on stage and I could hear some guitar reverbs below the rumbling of the crowd. Curses to that sound guy. But she seemed cool and Leisha kept giving her shout outs. So after the show, while we were waiting in the two hour line to meet Leisha and Camila (Leisha loved my Murmurs pin, and I was a starstruck freak, for the record), my friend and I signed up for Mattson's mailing list. It was through one of her email newsletters that I remembered I wanted to give her tunes a listen. And I am so glad that I did. Her voice is smokey, like fire- Dancing and dark and beautiful. If something gives me goosebumps, I'm sold, and all I get are chills when I listen to her sing. Some of her songs were featured on TV- 8 Simple Rules, Joan of Arcadia, etc. She recently hosted an episode of NewNowNext on Logo and she's opened for Melissa Ferrick. I can't tell if she's queer or just queer friendly between the Logo spot where she is wearing suspenders, touring with Lezzie bands, the fact that all her favorite musicians are queer, the cryptic talk about her music having a sexual vibe for everyone, regardless of orientation, and videos about 'a person' but lyrics about a man... I just don't know for sure and I don't want to make any assumptions. But no matter what she's so gorgeous and so talented that it almost hurts to watch her videos. But in the good way. She's that super adorable kind of sexy where you can't tell if you want to hug her or... ahem. Yeah. Here's a bit of wisdom from one of her MySpace blogs:

What I learned from this tour:

1. MySpace won't let you post photos of fans breasts

2. I should have joined a truck stop points program

3. You can wear one pair of jeans for two months (if they're Levi's anyway)

4. Guitars break on planes

5. I am a magician who can make Guitar picks disappear into thin air

6. Silver sharpie ink looks cool on skin

7. Liquid eyeliner lasts longer than pencil

8. Tuna come in vending machines sometimes

9. It's good to have a million pairs of underwear

10. Don't eat a ceasar salad while driving

11. Vitamin C and whiskey can sustain you

12. If people are drunk they love you more

13. I can't wait to tour again

Adorable, no?

Here's the video for In Violet where she sings to/about a guy:

The Drive video where she sings about grabbing someone & running away:

Spring Tour 2008 Webisode #1 of 6:

Now, go buy Given To Sudden Panic And Noisy Retreat on iTunes. Angie also has an earlier cd, Monarch EP, available through her website.

Who do you think you are, WyWatch?

2009-04-22T12:46:00.004-05:00

This is a repost from my fabu friend Rebekah's (myspace) blog. She's one of our many brilliant straight allies and I love her so. Check her out under my just for fun links on the left there- Rebel's Advocate & Food Food Food! (Her hubby is pretty cool, too) :D
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009- actual conversations

the work phone rings, it's a local number, i pick up and deliver my usual spiel, Public Health this is rebekah blah blah blah. i get this in return:

"hi there, do you have a moment to talk about the increasing problems of President Barack Obama?"

Me: "no, i don't have a moment actually."

Them: "Did you know our President supports the gay agenda and we at WyWatch blah blah..."

Me: cutting them off mid sentence. "I do too as a matter of fact support those evil homos. I'm an atheist, I'm not a Mormon, in fact I despise organized religion and the Christian right, I'm a libertarian, pro choice, pro gay marriage, legalize or decriminalize marijuana bleeding heart commie bastard liberal. Do you really want to this conversation to continue?"

Them: *audible gasp* Click, Dial Tone.

they say honesty is the best policy. i'm beginning to think whoever they are, they're totally right. as for me, i'm going to try and get this WyWatch group listed officially as a hate group. because that's what they are.

Words of Advice

2009-04-21T16:01:00.002-05:00

I own this tshirt. I love this tshirt. I am wearing this tshirt today. My mommy bought it for me a few years ago (from Steve & Barry's, along with a Coo Coo For Cocoa Puffs shirt)... I only needed to wear it once for my friends to point out that as a lady-loving-lady this shirt took on a whole new meaning. I pondered that truth for a bit and came up with some advice to go along with it: Just because it can be done in three licks doesn't mean that should be a goal. Know what I'm saying (to be said in a very Will Smith nudge*nudge*wink*wink tone, of course.)

Whatcha Watchin'? WebTV?

2009-04-20T12:23:00.015-05:00

UPDATE: It's finished! :D

I will finish this post later. I may even include vid clips/music videos (assuming youtube hasn't suspended *all* the accounts I subscribe to....) of what I'm going to be talking about (tv on teh interwebs)... If I don't... well, since only 2 of you read this blog anyway, you can throw stuff at me. Or just nicely remind me via email or twitter ;) Until then, enjoy this snapshot of my kitty, Zeke, leering at me from under a moose costume.
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OK, here are the shows:

-Home & Away (Australia)- It's a family/teen soap and I watch current season 4 clips of the Charlie/Joey lezzie storyline on youtube. Charlie is a cop (senior constable, natch) who helped Joey after she was raped by a coworker/friend of her brother. Joey was way in the closet and Charlie thought herself to be straight. The show has put up with a lot of grief and protests from Aussie 'family' groups, but the writers haven't backed down from showing same-sex kisses or the relationship as its developed. It's quite nice. UPDATE: The storyline has started to follow some of the annoying, aggravating cliches. Hopefully it gets better again soon.

(UPDATE, 4/28: The Charlie/Joey storyline is pretty much over, for now. Check out this brilliant up-to-date recap on AutoStraddle.)

-Cuestion de Sexo (Spain)- Another soap. I mostly watch current season 3 clips for the Sofia/Dani lezzie storyline, but I've been watching a bit more to try and improve my Spanish (and see if I can't figure out the other story lines!) And Anna Fernandez (Sofia, the reticent one) is super gorgeous. And it's pretty funny. Everyone is hip and pretty and bright and shiny and yay! Here's a music video since most of you wouldn't understand the super fast (Spain) spanish anyway!:

-Sugar Rush (UK)- It ran 2 seasons and I just finished watching the series. It's about a young gay girl, Kim, and her totally screwed up family. And her druggie/thieving best friend Sugar. Very good. Cute, hysterical, endearing. I love the little brother. It had a guest appearance by Jemima Rooper (Hex, Black Dahlia). This clip is from an episode or so into the second season:

-Welcome to Paradise (New Zealand)- It ran one season and I'm halfway through it. It's about 6 20-somethings running a hostel for backpackers, cyclists, etc. Sasha, the uptight receptionist. John, the weirdo. Zac, the sex-crazed dude. Lucy, the Irish barman. Alex, the inept manager. Barry, the sweet guy. One 'gay' episode. Also has had episodes about Brazilian waxes and masturbating. It's sort of an off-the-wall comedy. Kiwi love! First clip is the first 5 minutes of the series. Second clip is the obligatory strategic editing of the gay episode:

-Mistresses (UK)- This UK drama/soap is about a group of friends who are... you guessed it Mistresses (in one way or another). I've watched several clips and chunks of the first (of two) series because Shelley Conn (of Nina's Heavenly Delights) and Anna Torv (of Fringe) have a fling. And anyone who knows me at all knows that I love Indian women (and Aussies/Kiwis!) I do plan on watching more/complete episodes as soon as I can get them.

-GirlTrash! (US/web)- It ran for several episodes (totalling less than 15 minutes, I believe) and was created by Angela Robinson (D.E.B.S., the good parts of The L Word). It's a lesbian crime noir and it has a lot of great people in it (Lisa Rieffel [of Killola whom I blogged about before], Rose Rollins, Jimmi Simpson, Margaret Cho, Mandy Musgrave, etc). Now that The L Word is over... will she finish it? (NEWS: Angela Robinson tweeted that they are now trying to cut together some more footage and see if they can't put up another few eppies) (BETTER NEWS: Lisa just tweeted that they are making a GirlTrash! movie starting in October and Killola is doing the music!!!) Here's episode 1:

-Anyone But Me (US/web)- New web show from one of the creators of The L Word (she had the good season 1 ideas and then had no part in it) about a young lesbian and her single father dealing with post 9/11 life. I've watched all 9 installments (6 episodes, 3 interludes so far) and it's really well done. Lots of good internet buzz about it currently (I was watching it before the buzz thanks to Arlan). Here's the second episode:

-The Guild (US/web)- Just finished the 2nd season and I've watched every episode and every available outtake. Hysterical nerdery at its finest. It's written by and starring Felicia Day, queen of the hot, cool nerds. It's about gamers and how they (cant/wont) deal with some real life issues. Here is Season 1, Episode 1:

-Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show (US/web)- Created by and starring Kim Evey, one of the producers from The Guild. It's a spoof on nonsensical Japanese game/talk shows. Too funny and strange for words. Except- cownicorn and unicow. Here is the first episode where we first met Lick Poop:

-Retarded Policeman (US/web)- One of the many web shows created by people in the group of friends of Felicia Day and Kim Evey. At first I thought it would be stupid and offensive because of the premise- it's squad car cam recordings of a police officer with Down Syndrome pulling people over for ridiculous things. BUT it's actually funny AND one of the creators is the brother of the lead actor. The lead actor is well aware of his condition and likes to make jokes about it. He is not being exploited. I would never advocate it if he was. Felicia Day and Kim Evey are among the drivers that get pulled over. I've not watched every episode yet, but I've watched many. Here is episode 4, Racial Profiling (one of my favs):

-The Legend of Neil (US/web)- Created by Sandeep Parikh, friend of Felica Day and cast member of The Guild (Zaboo). More awesome web TV nerdery and hilarity. Premise- A dude is... pleasuring himself while playing Zelda, he passes out and wakes up in the game. He has to fight/play his way through. Felicia Day has a guest spot as the green fairy. I'm anxiously awaiting season 2. You have to go to the website to watch it (because youtube is a bastard) but here is a funny clip Sandeep and Felicia made instead:

-Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (US/web)- Everybody has seen this musical blog in 3 acts, right? Created by Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse) it's supposed to be the blog of NPH's Dr. Horrible as he struggles to gain entry into the Evil League of Evil. Also starring Felicia Day (Buffy, The Guild) and Nathan Fillion (Firefly). I've watched the 3 acts and I'm waiting to see if another installment/movie/something/anything is going to be made. There are rumors. Here is Act I:

-Quarterlife (US/web)- Ran for many episodes online and then Bravo reworked it into a few tv episodes... and then I sort of forgot about it and fell behind. As the title says, it's about a group of friends in their mid-twenties (mostly all creative types) trying to figure shizz out. One of the actors left to make another tv show (Greek?) and Michelle Lombardo is/was also involved in GirlTrash! so I'm not sure that it will go on forever or make an official leap to tv or anything. I think I should get caught up, though. There are 36 episodes and also many vlogs from the characters (Dylan's and Andy's are the best, though you should watch the actual episodes before watching too many more of these 'vlogs'):

I think that's all. But if you know of another web series I may enjoy or a serious from outside the US I may want to DL... let me know! :D

Wanna see?

2009-04-18T18:55:00.005-05:00

I got the outline and some of the background done for my 17th tattoo, a ganesh on my left leg. In about a month, once this is fully healed and Robin isn't all booked up, we will do the color.

Won't you give them a listen?

2009-04-14T14:43:00.003-05:00

(Look! I'm not ranting about something! Yay! I'm spreading happy music cheer!)

If you're like me then you're a little sick of all the country and 'hip-hop' music that seems to be popular everywhere lately. Now I can appreciate a great song regardless of genre, but come on. SO much crap out there right now. So I've decided to make a bloggity about some good, high energy rock/alternative (and yes, pop) that I've been listening to recently that isn't necessarily 'mainstream' or popular. Of course I am still always listening to Tegan & Sara, Rilo Kiley, Murmurs, Mike Doughty, etc... but this stuff is a bit different.

Killola-
I love Killola. Killola loves everyone. They really do. They are a very cool, interactive, fan-oriented band (they give away free downloads, answer fan mail and are super excited every time someone gets a K)) tattoo). Front woman Lisa Rieffel and hubby/band mate Johnny are very cool, very funny and very talented. Their web shows and videos are brill. And their live shows... well, they don't disappoint. Lisa (also an actress some of you may recognize from GirlTrash! and various TV guest spots) has a very real, very high energy stage presence. And Lisa loves/appreciates her lezzie fan base. And it's a huge fan base considering GirlTrash! is a lesbian noir web show and she was one of the stars. She also signed my boobs once when I went to a Killola Show at Reggie's and forgot to bring my cds. True story. I was one of many ladies there to meet Arlan (of YDLM). But I digress. And use very too much. Check out these vids:

This is the video for 'I Don't Know Who' where Lisa shows off some of her acting chops. It's also one of my fav songs of theirs (from their first album):

This is a live performance of 'All Of My Idols Are Dead', the first single from their second album:

This is Arlan's video of when she was traveling around the US trying to meet 10,000 people and doing a mini-tour with Killola. Lisa signs my boobs in this video. When she is yelling about being distracted by tits... she is talking about me. Warning: there is a lot of non Killola sexy talk in this video. But it's funny. (It also includes a nice Action Design clip, another rocking awesome, chick-fronted band I love!)

The Action Design-
I gave you a little taste of them in that last video, but here is a little more. Emily Whitehurst and crew had a band called Tsunami Bomb (which I also recommend) but they are now Action Design and I first saw them open for Killola. I met Emily briefly and she seemed just as cool offstage as on. And it doesn't hurt that she is gorgeous.

Here is the video for 'Connect/Disconnect'... I really want Emily's hair from this video:

This is a live performance of '10 Feet Of Snow':

And here is the Tsunami Bomb video for 'Dawn On A Funeral Day', just for comparison. Same chick, same genre, more awesome hair:

Overnight Lows-
This is a band that I just learned about, but I already think they are awesome. I can't say much about them except that they are another hot-chick-fronted rockin' band and I like them. And they have sweet hair too.

This is the video for 'Destination'. I did the robotic sound:

Here is their video for 'The Breaks'. It sounds a bit more mainstream than the last video:

Lastly, here is a video for the song 'Castles In The Sand':

If you've enjoyed these bands and/or think you'd like bands like them, ResidentBand is a good resourse as they are always plugging new/little known talent.

(ps- sorry the 2 of the videos are sort of cut off on the right edge, some videos are only available in the super HD/widescreen formats and even the smallest of those videos dont *quite* fit on my blog the way it is currently set up. I may change my blog format in the future. We shall see.)

What do we do- Google Bomb them! (and then accept their apology?)

2009-04-12T14:40:00.009-05:00

So... the fucktards at Amazon decided that they need to protect (erm, censor. Let's call this what it is) their precious customers from 'adult' material (re: LGBT books and romance/erotica novels, mainly) so they re categorized many books and stripped them of their sales info and ranks. What does this mean? These books will no longer show up in most searches or on best seller lists. Want to search The Joy of Sex or Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit and find related titles? Too bad. BUT... want The Anarchist Cookbook or a playboy/penthouse book of stories? NO PROBLEM. Those didn't get stripped of their sales/rank. So it's mostly LGBT books. Even the history volumes, college guides, and YA/nonsexual ones. Right now if you search 'homosexuality' on Amazon you will get a list of anti-gay/ex-gay books. It's bigoted censorship at its finest, folks. And the ladies at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books have a great idea- Google Bomb them! Hit them where it hurts- PR! Since they posted that article earlier today #amazonfail and #amazonrank have taken over. Just check twitter. Or google 'Amazon Rank' and see what the first search result is. Go ahead, I'll wait. [whistling] See. What'd I tell you. Here is a (short) list of some of the articles of affected titles/authors-

Booksquare.com's Open Letter to Amazon- here's an excerpt: "As a heterosexual, happily married adult female, I am deeply offended by this decision. As a customer, I am angered enough to take my business elsewhere, and I’d like a refund on my Kindle since, despite reports that your database sweep was not complete, you have decided to limit my ability to purchase books — from literary classics like Lady Chatterley’s Lover to newesque titles like Tipping The Velvet and Running With Scissors"

Andrew Sullivan/The Atlantic- "Mein Kampf is fine. Jackie Collins is fine. But books about gay subjects are now "adult" on Amazon and so not included on best seller lists or rankings."

AfterEllen.com's findings- "You can only find the de-ranked books if you both search by title and choose the search category "Books." If you do a generic title search from the Amazon front page without specifying that it's a book search, you will not find the de-ranked books among the top results (or anywhere on the first page of results, in some cases). Which means that not only will those who browse Amazon.com's "top sellers" lists in various genres never come across any of these books, they may not even find these books when they're deliberately looking for them."

EurOut's international take- "Why Amazon's ranking matters anyway? You can find a brief summary about the reasons here. Amazon is the biggest online (book)store, they set such a prominent bad example with this, that many could follow if we don't shout right now!"

Meta_Writer is keeping a list on LiveJournal if you have titles you'd care to add.

It's just so infuriating and unfair, I don't even know what to say anymore. Except I did sign a petition (I was 131 of 4,767 signatures so far) and I included a note: "If this is how your company chooses to treat its LGBT customers then I will take my (considerable) business elsewhere to a company who celebrates rather than censors my community."

You can sign the petition here.

(ps- This was brought to my attention today by Neil Gaiman's twitter [@neilhimself] Other celebs who have tweeted their #amazonfail disdain today- Zoe Keating [@zoecello], Demi Moore [@mrskutcher] and Amanda Palmer [@amandapalmer])

UPDATE: (Sunday night)
Someone from Amazon is claiming this is a glitch. That's a HUGE glitch AND it's been slowly happening since February AND they told an LGBT author in a letter just yeterday that:

"In consideration of our entire customer base, we exclude "adult" material from appearing in some searches and best seller lists. Since these lists are generated using sales ranks, adult materials must also be excluded from that feature.
Hence, if you have further questions, kindly write back to us.

Best regards,
Ashlyn D
Member Services
Amazon.com Advantage"

Glitch. Mmhmm. Dear Author puts the 'glitch, my ass' arguement into much better words here.

UPDATE NUMERO DOS: (Monday)
Here is Neil Gaiman's bloggity about #amazonfail and the 'glitch'... Also, now word is that it was a hacker of some sort. Well, one hacker dude is claiming responsibility. So a hacker AND/or someone at Amazon thinks gay=sex=evil. Either way they need to fix things and APOLOGIZE!

NUMERO TROIS: (Tuesday)
Amazon apologises for 'ham-fisted' error that made gay books 'disappear': Firm apologises for sales ranking system mistake that hit books dealing with gay themes

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, FOX?

2009-04-09T13:24:00.009-05:00

All FOX is good for is Faux News (thank you Rupert Murdoch) and prematurely cancelling good, smart TV or cool sci-fi TV (which is often one and the same). Over the years they have canned many a brilliant show, probs because they cater to idiots and right wing extremists (as if there's a difference...) and killing many of them before some of the best episodes or finales even got to air:

-Arrested Development
-Wonderfalls
-Fastlane (beautifully shot and action-packed, big screen style)
-Tru Calling (ok so it wan't *great*, but it was Eliza Dushku)
-Dark Angel
-Firefly
-Futurama (I liked it on and off)
-Undeclared (I've been an Apatow fan from the beginning)

(note: I also think they let programs like That 70's Show and X-Files run too long until they started to go bad/wrong...)

Actually, I own a good chunk of these series on DVD. Great stuff. But now, in the grand FOX tradition of cancelling sci-fi/fantasy shows, The Sarah Connor Chronicles has been canned and things aren't looking good for Dollhouse. In fact, only 12 of the 13 Dollhouse Season 1 episodes are going to air. I guess we are all supposed to dumb ourselves down and watch Don't Forget The Lyrics or Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. I do hear good things about Fringe, but seeing as how it's a sci-fi series on FOX, I shouldn't jump in and get attached because it will probably suddenly be cancelled next week. No, I'm not bitter. What would ever give you that idea?

(yes, I sort of stole the phonetic WTF from Ms. Snarker but it goes so well with my post and all, being that the Actives/Dolls of Dollhouse are named for said alphabet. And yes, I like to speak in parentheticals.)

UPDATE: Apparently all the buzz on the interwebs today has caused even more articles/blogs to be written to try and clarify things. Dollhouse has not actually been cancelled, but a second season still hasn't been confirmed either. There were actually 14 episodes shot, but one was a scrapped pilot that was cannibalized into the other 12 'main' episodes. 'Episode 13' (the one with Felicia Day and Janina Gavankar) exists as an apparent coda to the first season, but is not considered part of the main storyline, it's a stand-alone of sorts. That episode is not going to be aired. It will be on the DVD. Episode 12 is considered the season finale. It sort of ties things up, sort of opens doors for season 2, but is not a big cliffhanger.

Why Not?

2009-04-08T10:12:00.000-05:00

I did that 25 Things About Me deal a while back on FB and decided to repost it here so that the... 2 of you that read this blog (because you actually find me to be interesting?) can read it and learn a weird thing or two about me. Believe it or not, I left some of the more horrible things off (I could actually add at least 5 more major injuries to the list, but I stuck to bones and left off the real bloody ones...)

1. I get really motion sick on the bus/train if I sit backwards. If it’s also hot... I’m better off walking.

2. My fingers are sort of double jointed. Interpret that as you will.

3. If I like a band/song I tend to get really obsessed with them for a while. So much so that it’s all I will listen to for months. I will scrounge up demos and obscure things on YouTube... and read every bit of info I can find. Meeting favorite musicians have been the only times in my life when I’ve been star struck.

4. I have eleven extra holes in my head. I want another ear piercing or two, maybe a lip or labret. But no piercings that aren’t on my head.

5. I have 16 individual tattoos, but some have started to combine together into larger pieces. I’m going to start working on #17 next week (April 17th).

6. I’m afraid that one day I will drink waaay to much at a bar/party and someone will ask me to take off my shirt to show off my tattoos... and I will. My friends will encourage this activity.

7. I am really nerdy about many things, like TV. shows. For a while I wanted a Battlestar Galactica tattoo... I still might.

8. I hate big (drunken) parties. I get really uncomfortable, especially if I don’t know a lot of people. I think it has something to do with my childhood and having alcoholic family members.

9. I can clap with one hand. Interestingly enough it sounds just like two hands clapping. (verbatim from Moo’s list cuz it’s also true for me!)

10. I still sleep with stuffed animals a lot of the time. I like to snuggle.

11. I’ve never been a good sleeper. I can get by on 3-4 hours a night.

12. I get really anxious about things. Lately I’ve been having panic attacks in the middle of the night over nothing. It’s less than fun...

13. I'm a pesco-pollo-ovo -lacto ‘vegetarian’, but it’s easier to just say that I don’t eat red meat or pork... I don't eat much poultry or fish at home, just when I go out. I could never give up salmon.

14. People constantly think that I'm much older or younger than I am. No one gets it right.

15. When I was 6 or 7 I jumped off a table into a kiddie pool and sprained both my ankles and fractured pretty much all of my toes. I was staying with my mom’s boyfriend’s ex-wife at the time.

16. When I was 12 I was ice skating and I fell down, tripping my friend, and she landed on my arm and it broke. My arm swelled up and got stuck in the elastic cuff of my puffy winter coat. I called my stepdad who was home sleeping (because he worked nights) and he was so out of it he hung up on me.

17. When I was 21(?) I slipped in the shower right before Christmas, kicked the faucet really hard and horribly horrible broke my toe. They almost had to do surgery to fix it. My mom kept wanting to pull on it to straighten it out and my best friend wanted to call me Niner. It still bends funny.

18. This guy, Tony, used to live on our couch when I was little. He raised tanks of angelfish on our bar. My babysitter’s best friend also used to come over in the middle of the night a lot when her stepdad beat her. If my mom had it her way we probably would have been running a halfway house. We both like to take care of people and fix things...

19. I am a bastard. My mom and dad were never married. I didn’t really see my dad until I was 4 and we didn’t really speak from when I was 8 until I was 22.

20. I have a half brother and two half sisters. I had another half brother that passed away almost 5 years ago. To me, the half part is not at all important.

21. My sisters are fraternal twins. I didn’t get to meet them until they were 15.

22. The same day my brother died, my car also got broken into and all my cds were stolen. I was meeting Hoobastank at the time.

23. The only time I’ve ever left the country was to drive into Canada for lunch one day.

24. When I was 13 I fell asleep while reading and my bed sheet caught on fire from the small reading lamp. My mom woke up for no reason and came in to check on me and my little brother. In all the commotion of my mom ripping the burning sheet and lamp from me/my bed I didn’t even really wake up. I was just like, ‘Oh’ and laid back down and kept sleeping. The next day I was really confused as to why my room smelled like burning plastic... I wasn’t allowed another reading lamp for a while.

25. My name isn’t what it was supposed to be. My mom wanted my first name to be Elisabet or Lizbet (a German form of Elizabeth) but the nurse wrote me down as Elizabeth Jones. My mom didn’t want me to have my father’s last name either, but she could only afford the court fees/paperwork for one name change. She changed my last name to her maiden name and left my first name as Elizabeth.

What would you call it?

2009-04-07T22:23:00.007-05:00

I have to name my construction 'painting' for class and I am at a loss for the right words or title. The whole idea was that the piece had to be completely design free and non-representational, everything had to be either painted over or part of a poured-on paint slurry. Colors were up to us, so I did mine in a rainbow pattern (yay). The background was originally just white but my instructor told me I had to paint it (yes, in between all the poured and painted bits) so I did it in black, white and greys to keep the rainbow and make it pop. I do get a musical feel from it, and not just from the cds- The yellow fabric stripes are reminiscent of a guitar neck as well. Any ideas? Help... (click to enlarge)

Wowzers, or And Then There Were Four

2009-04-07T10:42:00.007-05:00

1- Massachusetts
2- Connecticut
3- ~~California~~ Iowa
4- Vermont!

The Vermont marriage bill to allow same-sex marriage passed through state congress (with record votes/in record time, it seemed), the stupid, ignorant governor vetoed the bill as promised, and then, THEN, the Vermont legislature voted and overrode the veto (23-5 Senate, 100-49 House)!! I hope Cali feels super salty today.

Also, the Iowa Senate Majority Leader, Mike Gronstal, blocked a proposal to bring up a constitutional amendment to ban the newly allowed same-sex marriage. It's brilliant, you have to watch it-

The other really great thing about the Vermont win is that, in the cases of Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa, same-sex marriage rights were granted when the courts, via civil lawsuits, found same-sex marriage bans to be unconstitutional. Vermont was the first state to have a bill proposed and passed through legislature, without there having to be a lawsuit or supreme court involvement. That's major progress and words cannot describe how happy this makes me today. Twice in roughly a week. Wow. It's really something.

Weird Words

2009-04-04T12:26:00.001-05:00

I ordered this brilliant Boober (Fraggle Rock) tshirt from 80stees but they apparently got it from somewhere else. And on the inside, where the tag (actual or screen printed) should be... is some sort of dictionary or manifesto. It's strange. I will try and transcribe it as it appears, as best I can (spelling, punctuation, spacing, etc.= sic):

The Emperors New Clothes

http://www.enctees.com/

MADE IN AMERICA

100% COTTON

Wash with care, do not mix with minty Greens,

or girlie pinks etc....... *iron on reverse*

Wash with cold water, take pride with this beauty, cheers.

DON'T TRAVEL OUTSIDE YOUR COUNTRY:

THERE ARE LANGUAGE DIFFICULTIES, ESTUARY ENGLISH,

IT SOUNDS THE SAME, BUT IT'S NOT.

AVOID DEATH. IT CAN HURT.
COUNCIL ESTATE PRINCESS

PROJECT ROCK(IST)
trailer trash stories...

ESTUARY ENGLISH, OR ENGLISH ENGLISH:

Pissed - Drunk, not angry.

Tomato/Geiser/deodorant/alluiminium/mate/dude

Bollox - Sucks, not the truth, a staple word.

Fag - Cigarette

Gaff - Apartment

innit - Is it not?

Corta Panda - quarter pound cheese burger

Fit - Attractive/hot

Easside - East Side

Donut/Muppet - idiot, no style, no class

Oi Oi - Traditional greeting

Up Tan/Dan Tan - Uptown/Downtown

Yafta - you must/obliged

Yooz - the assembled company

Cockney Slang - avin a bubble bath (having a laugh)

Rub a dub dub - Pub, Glory be - Tea, Fish & Shrimp - Pimp

Dog & Bone, Eau de Cologne - the phone. 4 by 4, boat & Oar - ?

Trouble and Strife - Wife. Milky Way, Cafe au Lait - Gay.

Very Chandelier, Buccaneer, Ginger beer - Queer.

Adam & Eve - Believe, Ooh La La - Bra.

Melvyn Bragg - Shag. Holyfield's Ear - Year.

Harry Dash - Flash. Laters.

ROCK(IST).

(ps- Blogger and I are not getting along w/r/t images and where they should go, what size they should be, how they can be moved/edited/etc. nor do we agree on my time zone or where paragraph breaks should go. ARgh.)

w00t to same-Sex marriage in the Midwest!

2009-04-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

So first we had Massachusetts. Then we got Connecticut. Third was California, but then they reneged. But now we have a new #3, so California can suck it!

Today the Iowa Supreme Court UNANIMOUSLY struck down the same-sex marriage ban, stating that it was unconstitutional. Weeeee! You can read all about it here- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30027685/

Now only time will tell if Vermont can get their bill passed. The VT Governor must know what a jackass he is, especially after today.

Since some of you haven't seen it...

2009-03-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

This is my 16th and latest tattoo (got it Aug 08). It's some of Emy Storey's artwork from Tegan & Sara's last album, The Con. The tattoo itself was done by my fabulous artist Robin, aka Solokill. She is currently drawing up tattoo #17 for me (a ganesh) and we are going to start working on it on April 17 :D

Stop hateful words

2009-03-31T15:02:00.001-05:00

SOS

2009-03-31T10:36:00.000-05:00

My fundraising has been stuck at 23% to goal for weeks now! Anyone with a blog and a few minutes to spare... would you mind giving me a shout out? Or just tweet the link? I'm walking 60 miles in one weekend in August for the Breast Cancer 3-Day, benefiting Susan G. Komen. I'm training all summer and I have to raise $2300 by the time of the walk (or else I have to drop out or pay the rest myself)...

http://www.The3Day.org/goto/EABwalks60

Also, stay tuned for Karaoke/Bar Night Fundraiser info :D

Spoilery (if you havent watched the end of the L Word)

2009-03-30T11:10:00.001-05:00

So, when the last episode of the L Word aired, leaving everyone with a million questions, we were all pissed off and frustrated. Many of us gave our theories as to what really happened, or what happened next, to try and 'fix' what IFC screwed up. The negative for Lez Girls was found in Jenny's attic and so many people assumed that she did actually take them and that her whole plea to Tina was a lie. I wasn't so sure. Then at the end of the show, Leisha gave her little webisode speech and said to watch for more interrogation tapes AND to see who stole the negative. No one else seemed to hear that as I didn't see it mentioned in any recap. My guess was that it was Niki. I said it in a recap comment somewhere (scribegrrl? autostraddle?). Niki had motive- either the movie was too bad, too embarrassing or she hated the straightened out ending, or she was just pissed at Jenny, or she was trying to help Jenny (see how effed up things are with IFC's story lines?!)- AND SHE HAD KEYS! Niki had keys to Jenny and Shane's place at the time that the negatives were stolen because she used them to let herself (and Shane) in during the great Fuck Around of 08/09... And now Niki's interrogation tape is up. And guess what? She admits to stealing the negatives and hiding them in Jenny's attic!

I don't know why I'm so excited. The show is still over and the ending still sucked. But this was the least disturbing of the tapes so far. And at least one thing IFC wrote made sense/was plausible. I'm just saying..

Singing, it does a lady good

2009-03-29T15:17:00.002-05:00

Ever heard of Valeria Andrews from Sydney, Australia? Are you sure? Perhaps you'll remember her from this (she starts the song)-

She co-wrote the full song (it plays during the credits and is available on the interwebs). This was my favorite movie for years!
Valeria has done some other acting, but now she has a pretty decent music career. Check this video out. (embedding is disabled but it is so worth the click, trust me)

Snowy Sunday

2009-03-29T13:13:00.000-05:00

It's March 29th and it's snow storming. What shite. Soonly I am going to pull on my boots and head to the store. But first I thought I'd share a few happy-making videos. Happy (Snowy) Sunday!

I've been a huge Margaret Cho fan since All-American Girl. She just keeps getting better-

I think we’ve all seen this. It’s funny. And we still love Twitter-

This cute sapphic storyline on the Spanish soap opera Cuestión de Sexo has made me want to brush up my español-
I heart Ana Fernández (Sophia). She’s an adorable little gay-for-pay (I'm assuming, but we would fo shiz take her on the team!)…

Spectacular!

2009-03-29T01:57:00.000-05:00

So, my next painting assignment (after this cursed construction 'painting') is a master reproduction. I spent several hours tonight going through my dozens of art books trying to narrow my choice down to a painting that I both LOVE and can actually reasonably COPY. No easy feat since I'm a big fan of Van Gogh and Dali and Magritte and I'm just not that good. What I did find was a brilliant painting to add to my favorites- J. M. W. Turner's The Burning of the Houses of Parliament, 1834. I can't stop looking at it, marveling at the glow of the fire over the water. But I know it's not something I can do any justice.

Another painting that I love love love and am actually considering trying to reproduce is Van Gogh's Japonaiserie (after Hiroshige), 1887. Or any of his Japanese influenced pieces, really. He did some brilliant almond blossoms and landscapes as well.

I also think I'd like to take a crack at a Max Ernst, but a lot of my favorites of his are 3D/construction type pieces. There is however his painting M Portrait, or The Letter, 1924. It's about automatic writing and I find the whole painting and concept to be very interesting. I'll leave you all with that because this I don't intend to bore anyone with an art history lesson. Otherwise I could quite possibly go on forever.

April Update: I will be doing my reproduction after Monet's Evening in Venice, 1908. It was a hard choice, and just in case that doesn't work out, Franz Marc's Yellow Cow (Gelbe Kuh), 1911 is my close second choice.

Success!

2009-03-24T13:51:00.001-05:00

I finally finished my fish montage painting, at least to the standards it needs to be at for tonights midterm. Obviously I could work on the details for hours, days, weeks... but that's just insane. It's not like I'm getting paid for it or anything ;)

Sweet, Sexy, Smart, (Sapphic)

2009-03-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

I should be finishing my painting for my midterm tomorrow night. The painting that I should have finished last week before I spent spring break in New York. So of course I am on YouTube instead. I was always a procrastinator in high school/undergrad. I work better that way, with a little added pressure. Some things never change, they just use more technology.

I still miss this show-

Smart, funny, beautiful... Ellen hit the jackpot!-

This song says it all-

Once a renthead, always a renthead-

I adore this movie right now-

I could watch/listen to this version of this song forever-

Sitting, Sighing

2009-03-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

[I’ll have to post this later because I’m not about to pay $6.95 to get online at the airport when I just paid $15 to check my only suitcase! Hopefully I don’t lose too many twitter followers once I get really bored and start tweeting like mad.]

I’m sitting here outside gate H5, 20 minutes before my flight is supposed to leave. Except now it’s not leaving for about an hour. Yay, rah. I always debate with myself over how early to get to the airport. I hate being late for things, or even barely on time, but I also hate hate hate waiting at the airport in these stupid little chairs, touching feet and backpacks with strangers. Well, I always hate touching feet and backpacks with strangers, let’s be honest. But I managed to convince myself, and therefore my ride Moo, that I didn’t need to leave my house before 9:30 or so for a flight at 11:15. And it worked. By the time I was through security, done buying a bottle of water, and done using the facilities, I was at my gate at 10:30. I was proud of myself. Almost time to board for an 11:15 flight. And then I read the stupid departure screen. “Flight 378 to LaGuardia Departs: 11:15 Now 11:49” Fuck. I can’t ever win. Not even just a little bit. I can’t sit toe to toe with strangers for an hour. Do you know how hard it is to avoid eye contact for that long? My inner hermit is cringing. He is slightly agoraphobic. So I’ve retreated to the floor and I’m writing this to look less awkward. Yep. I’m cool like that.

Update from the plane:
We are finally all seated, buckled with cell phones off by 11:40. Then the captain starts his announcements and shares with us that, he doesn’t know if they announced it in the airport, but our ‘wheels-up’ time isn’t actually until 12:20. So we have 40 minutes to sit there. Then he gave us a 10 minute window in which to use our cell phones and, I’m guessing, update people with our new(est) departure time. All in all, my flight that should have landed at 2:20pm didn’t land until 3:10. Hopefully the flight home fairs better… NY you better be worth this.

Stuck?

2009-03-17T21:07:00.000-05:00

I keep this old post around because it still seems to hold true. Most of it, anyway. I quit my job and moved a mile south. But the rest is still the same.
------------------------------------------
2006-19-06, LiveJournal
Verbatim. Mostly. (a myspace xpost)

So here I am. The fireflies are out tonight. So are the fools. I got sick of sitting in my apartment so I grabbed some essentials (pencil, paper, Ipod, keys, ID, cash) and headed for Foster Beach. It's a little past sunset. The sky is beautiful. 'Out Tonight' is playing on MyPod- how apropos. Now don't get me wrong- I love Chicago. I love my family and my friends. My job is pretty cool. But I'm in another one of those funks where I want to sell all my shit, drop everything and just go. Move. Something. Everything. Last time I wanted to teach English in Korea. But that's 2 years in a tiny room. That's only a little different than what I have now- 2 rooms in a predominantly Vietnamese area. I'm just so sick of this country and its excess and its politics and its hypocrisy. That's not to say that I'm above it or free of it or anything. But I'm drowning in it. And I have to do something. I've tried different things. I bury myself in cds and dvds and books. I give money to the DNC, the HRC, IL PIRG... all these places. I've signed up for this Breast Cancer walk. But it only makes me feel a little better. I'm not making any great changes or contributions. No one is going to remember me. Hardly anyone even knows who I am now. Not that I need to be 'known' but everyone wants validation and acceptance, right? So the thing I've been thinking about lately is moving. Far away. I want to see things. Different things. Beautiful things. More beautiful things than I can see here. The other day driving home from work I saw a 12- or 13-year-old boy randomly walk up to a 20-something year old girl, give her a flower that he had picked, and then walk away. It was random and beautiful but it makes me sad that it is so rare and noteworthy to see something that simple and meaningful.

I want to live in Spain- the art and the architecture and the history and the language and the coexistence of many peoples (and religions). And it is a predominantly Catholic society where same-sex marriage is legal and accepted. I want to live in Canada (Toronto)- it's a lot like the US, but it's cleaner and less crowded, and again, same-sex marriage is legal. And how many wars has Canada been in lately? I want to live in India. I've always admired the culture, art, food, dress, religion- everything. I was fascinated by Devon street, growing up in Little India. The cost of living in India is so much lower. And the people have so little but seem more kind. Or at least less judgemental. I don't know. I've never been. It just appeals to me. I could have a beautiful, 2 story, 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom bungalow there, with a private garden and terrace, reserved parking, ocean view and more for just over $100 thousand. That's unheard of. I could just sell all the crap I own (aside from a few essentials) and buy property somewhere in Southeast Asia and live off the money I have and write and adventure and talk to people and try and give back at least as much as I take from society and the planet. How easy would that be? How much more simple? I don't think I could live without my music and a few good volumes to read, but really, besides that, how much of my shit do I need? None of it, really. I realize that most of you think I'm all talk, and I probably am. That doesn't mean that I'm not sincere. Just because I don't sell it all and flee the country doesn't mean that I don't really want to or that I'm not capable. I'm just afraid. Of being alone. Of missing my family (and close friends). Of being forgotten about. So maybe someone could come with me. We can start an adventure together. Travel the world. Photograph it. Write about it. Soak it in. Talk about it. Appreciate it. Breathe it. Live it. Maybe someday. For now I am going to walk a bit more and then go home (and type this into MySpace because I'm lame like that), and go to bed and get ready for another fun-filled stretch at work.

The cops on ATVs just flew past, leaving tracks in the sand and the scent of gas in the air. So the aura is ruined and my time here is done.

Another note- the song on MyPod as I arrived home and sat down to type this was Frou Frou's Maddening Shroud. Again, very apropos. See for yourself- here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I'll have you know, it's all insane
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
Sometimes I like to get away from this saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can't go on
It is for real
We can walk about
We can work it over and over and over and over and over
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Starting Somewhere

2009-03-17T01:58:00.000-05:00

When I was little my brother Jeffrey and I used to listen to Raffi on his Fisher Price tape recorder. Sometimes we listened to his Teddy Ruxpin tapes as well, but those were generally reserved for his bedtime. Jeff couldn't sleep without watching his Teddy Ruxpin. We would play Baby Beluga over and over again on I would dance around, sing along. Jeff couldn't because he was in a wheelchair. Next week he will be gone 5 years. But the last time we listened to something on his Fisher Price recorder while I danced around, I was nearly 7 and he was just 4. He had his birthday and we had Thanksgiving and that's the last time I remember him. Our dad used to sing 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' for us sometimes. Before he stopped picking me up for visits. That song still makes me sad. I talk to my dad again, at least occasionally. More when my sisters are home from school and want to see me. We try and make like we've worked things out, that it's all water under the bridge. Mostly it is. But they have new songs now, my dad, stepmom and sisters. They know the Beatles birthday song and sing along all at once and I feel left out because my sisters arrived after my dad stopped taking me for his weekends. My mom, stepdad, brother and I don't have a song. When I have kids, we'll have a song that we sing and that makes us dance and smile. And I won't ever pretend they aren't mine.