All Alone All By Myself

I'm having a hard time putting this weekend into words. Like if I keep it all inside I can keep it forever without it diminishing. And I know that's not how it works but I'm not ready. Everyone else has blogged about this weekend and their feelings and I've read them all and I get it and I love it and it makes the weekend feel a little bit closer but so very far away at the same time.

Bear with me. Bare with me. I'm just writing this as it comes.

I spent the whole weekend a bundle of self conscious nerves, but that is how I live my life. Sometimes it's better. Sometimes the panic attacks stay away and I smile and feel warm inside.

I spent more time going places than really being places this weekend, but I was always somewhere. Never in my life have I spent so much time with so many people I'd never met in 3D. In such small spaces. I drank more than I ate, slept very little in awkward ways, walked everywhere like I knew exactly where I was going (and I mostly did). I stood in the rain on Broadway talking with two girls I'd just met (but already knew) about everything and nothing for over an hour. I wore a bright pink sparkly cowboy hat in public (but not in the rain). I wanted to hug everyone all the time. Part of me wanted to hide in the corner. I'm trying to lose that part.

One time I went to Texas to meet a 2D friend in 3D. I went to her wedding. This was a totally different experience.

I briefly talked and flirted with a girl I had just met and will never meet again and I let her kiss me on the cheek and that is big for me and will probably not happen again for a really long time because I'm a big baby. But she did say she owes me a drink. Next time.

I still haven't told my parents why or how or what I went to New York for this time. They haven't asked. I haven't seen them since before I left but I will see them tonight and I don't know what they will ask or what I will say but I hope I say all the right things. Right for me though, not for them. Because I'm 27 and I'm queer and I intern for this great website and I met all these amazing people and we are friends in 2D and I hope in 3D sometime again and I don't want that to be a secret part of my life anymore. I don't want my life to be a secret.

I felt really old and really young this weekend.

I'm listening to our The Future is Bright Mix. The Pillow Fort & Beer Intern Army Ninja Pirate Pre-Party Party Mix is next. Even though we didn't actually make any forts. But we climbed out the window onto a secret balcony and talked about music and lube and where we were from and everything and nothing and I was only a little afraid to be up so high in the New York sky without a seat belt. I got bug bites and a bruise but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to do it all again. Except I don't want to see that old man get butt naked in the street and bend over to put on feathers again. I did not sign up for that.

One day I want to drink enough or feel free enough to dance.

Whaaaaat?

I want more than a handful of people to get that. Or maybe I don't. It's not the same without a megaphone anyway.

Tequila shouldn't be clear and liquor shouldn't glow green and taste like sugary rubbing alcohol. But it was and it did and we drank it anyway. I didn't do any shots. I drank a lot of beer. And ate Pinkberry. Soon we will have a Red Mango in Chicago but it won't be the same.

It was like, I didn't know these people but I did, and as soon as we were all in one place everything made sense and felt almost normal like we had done it before and will do it again. And I hope that we do. I've actually never been around so many openly queer female friends before. It was nice and I wish I had that here. To not have to explain myself so much. To look at everyone's shoes and hair and shirts and know how gay it all was and everyone knew how gay it all was and thought it was awesome and funny and ok. And real and right. There were more Tegan & Sara shirts and references and tattoos (well, just mine) than I'd ever seen in one places before. Except for that one concert I drove up to Madison for. I met a girl I'd never met in 3D before that day, too. But it was another totally different experience.

Now I don't know how to end this. Do I tell more specific details or share more abstract feelings or just start talking about something else altogether? Maybe I can put names to things. Cute moments.

Laura made a nest of pillows and sheets on the hotel floor and made really awesome cookies. Asher said underpants because she hates the word panties, and rode the bull. Also, she was Sooo Wasted. Tirna got drunk and silly and made faces and slept in the most awkward position on the floor. Duck was Duck. With a megaphone and an accent. Heidi filled the bathroom garbage with beer bottles and found the pleasure pack in the minibar. She's also a new queer. Emily and Katrina were one person. Emily had the same tshirt as my tattoo. We say Montreal wrong. Katrina threatened to give everyone alternative lifestyle haircuts and said flavored lube is bad. Lex also had a Tegan and Sara shirt and she lay down in the middle of Manhattan. She and I put on the Autostraddle temp tattoos. I didn't spend that much time with Lola or Nicole or Jess but they were still fun to talk to. Carly and Riese had this exchange while waiting for the parade:

Riese- Let's play strip poker.
Carly- We don't have any cards.
Riese- Let's play strip.
Carly- That's not a game.

I hardly talked to Brooke or Robin or Natalie (the token straight) but they were so sweet. Stef means business, she gets things done. Also, she is fun and interesting to talk to. A;ex is adorably concerned for people. She never seemed to pass me or any intern by without checking up on us. Which is extra funny if you consider that I'm older than her. I found out how Carly knows Josh which is still weird to me.

There are more feelings and moments but I can't share them all. My pictures are here. I've run out of steam for it. I don't want to share anymore. The rest is mine. All of this is mine and maybe you won't get it or it won't seem that awesome to you but it was. It was one of the best experiences in my life. All the love and the fun and the good.

Let's do it again. My door is open.

Who's got two thumbs & is in need of an alternative lifestyle haircut?! This girl!

Well folks, it has happened. It is only June 30th and I am nearly $600 over the minimum donations needed for my walk (thanks to the triple matching done by the company of a family friend- she gave $250, her company gave $750) so all the hair has to go, not just a majority of the ponytail. I can't/won't go straight-razor-to-the-scalp-bald because I will look sick and gross & I will get even worse sunburn on my scalp than I already usually do, AND in a month, when the walk itself rolls around not only can I not afford to get a head sunburn, I also don't want to look like I just went through chemo like some of the survivors who also do the walk. That's just tacky and not fair to them. BUT I did say I would lose the hair. So I'm looking at super short crops/pixie cuts ala Laura Harris, Ruby Rose, Selma Blair, etc. just maybe a little shorter on top- input...?

Here's another Natalie Portman-


(Aussie Celesbian)Ruby Rose-





Laura Harris (this cut is probs 2 years old now)-






Selma Blair (maybe more even, shorter on top)-

It's just hair, right...?

Back in 2002 I cut off my reasonably long ponytail and donated it to Locks Of Love. In 2006 I did the Breast Cancer 3-Day benefiting Susan G. Komen. This year I'm doing both. And I've decided to combine them in a way that is mutually beneficial. But to do so requires a lot of help. Your help. But in a sort of fun way. I hope.

Back in 2002 when I donated my hair I left enough on my head for a cute, short, sort of spikey cut. That's what I was originally planning to do this time around except that I can't seem to come up with a hair style that I really like. So basically I've just been putting it off and my hair has grown longer and longer. I have a long enough ponytail to meet the minimum 10 inches for donation to LOL and still have hair left over for a short bob. That's boring, I've done the bob thing already.




For The 3 Day walk, besides walking 60 miles I have to raise a minimum of $2300. Right now I am at $1202. That means I have to raise at least $1098 more before the walk (August 7-9), or pay the rest myself. The worry about making the $$ is putting quite the damper on my summer.


So here's the solution that I came up with. I'm writing this blog post and I am going to ask everyone to pass it around, email it, tweet it, reblog it, whatever. If that helps me raise the $2300 before the walk, I'll cut my hair super short and go with the boring option I've been avoiding... HOWEVER (here's the good part) if you all rally with me and help me raise more than the $2300 before the 4th of July, not only will I cut my ponytail off for Locks Of Love, I will also SHAVE my head! So I will be (nearly) bald and 2 charities will get the most out of me! But that doesn't give you all very much time to help me raise at least $1100... so get cracking and I'll get bald(ish).



(The 'fine print'- for me to shave my head my donation page- http://www.The3Day.org/goto/EABwalks60 must show that I have raised more than $2300 by 11:59pm central time on July 3rd. No telling me you mailed a check the day before. And no, $2301.99 is not reasonably more. I'm talking like... at least $2350 or $2400... It can be done. Especially if you take up a collection at work and see if your company does donation matching. And that picture of me is 4 months old, my hair is even longer now!! So get cracking and make me 'bald' FOR 2 GREAT CHARITIES!! Sorry, I don't mean shiny head, shaved with a straight razor to the scalp bald... more like cropped super short...)

UPDATE 1: 11:05pm Wednesday June 17th... I am now up to $1844.61 so I am only $455.39 away from having to lose my hair by the 4th of July!!

UPDATE 2: It's Saturday June 20th and I'm at $1914.61, just $385.39 away from shaving my head by the 4th... otherwise I'm just cutting it short (the bob or something). Locks of Love is getting a ponytail either way! Here is a picture of me/my hair today:

UPDATE 3: It's Wednesday June 24th and I'm at $2164.61, a mere $135.39 from having to shave ('shave'?) my head by July 4th. At least one of my friends has submitted their donation in for company matching, so I know for sure I will be over $2300 by the walk, I just don't know if I'll be that far over by the 4th of July- so if you *reeeaaaally* want to see me (nearly) shave my head, donate now. I've actually been looking at cute, super-short haircuts ala Selma Blair, Ruby Rose, Sara Quin & Laura Harris (cropped close in back, a little longer on top, sort of a pixie cut) to start getting ready to be rid of a majority of my hair... I like when Selma had the crazy cut that was shaved almost to the scalp on the sides and in the back and then funky on top...

She's so high above me, she's so lovely

Erm. It's been like 8 days between posts this time. What's my deal? I have no idea. I have no excuses. But, I do have a couple posts in the works. Uhmm, besides the Ana Fernandez one I keep promising. One day I'll finish making the screen caps and get everything all organized for that. However, I have 2 music related posts that I will be sharing soon. Tomorrow (er, later today?) I should be getting up a post about The Ditty Bops. I just went to go see them again tonight and I'm itching to gush. Also, it was just International Mix Tape Day and we've had some stuff going on related to that over at Autostraddle, and that made me remember the tapes in my parents basement. When I was cleaning out my crap in my parents basement a few weeks back I found several old tapes I had made myself (from the radio and other tapes) and they are hysterical. Hopefully when I go visit my mom on Wednesday I will remember to fetch them so I can share them with all of you. I start summer school on Monday, and Wednesdays are going to be particularly bad as I will be in class (same room, same teacher) from 3:30pm-10pm, so we shall see what happens. Hopefully you guys are still checking in from time to time to see if I'm blabbing about something and you haven't written me off during this lull. If you have... come back! I'll make cookies.

How can I make it up to you? How about some song and dance and Jane Lynch?

Holy 5+ days of no new blogs, Batman! Where have I been, what have I been doing? How could I leave you all like that? Shrug. I spent a few days down in Carbondale (Southern Illinois) with some friends (and the Sufis and the organic farmers) doing such exciting things as watching So You Think You Can Dance and Gone Baby Gone, eating at the Sufi-run, all vegetarian cafe and reading books with a too-smart-for-his-own-good, 2.5 year old, Shine, my honorary nephew. I even got Flora (Shine's mommy) to watch and fall in love with Glee!! In fact, it's my goal to get everyone to watch and love it, so I'm going to attempt to embed it here, in this very post. Also, I think I promised a post of Ana Fernandez pics and I shall deliver those shortly. Since there aren't many pictures of the Spanish cutey on teh interwebs, I've had to make a lot of my own screen caps from Cuestion de Sexo (which was sadly & suddenly cancelled!) so you'll have to bear with me.

Here is the preview/premiere episode of Glee. It starts full time in the fall with the director's cut of this fabulous episode. Jane Lynch rocks as the cheerleading coach. Jayma Mays as OCD teacher Emma Pillsbury is just so brilliantly adorable, you can't help but love her. And I'm now also in love with Lea Michele who plays the diva, Rachel Berry. Lea is 22 and has been performing on Broadway since she was 8. She is amazing. Everyone is amazing. All the kids do their own singing... Just watch it. How can you not love Rehab (Amy Winehouse) and Don't Stop Believing (Journey!) as performed by (high school) show choirs/glee clubs?!

Here are a few other videos. This first one is Lea Michele at Upright Cabaret singing Not While I'm Around from Sweeney Todd:


Here is another of Lea, this time singing A Little Fall of Rain from Les Miserables (with John Lloyd Young):


Here's the Glee Fall Preview #1:


...and Glee Fall Preview #2 (ohmygodImSOexcitedIcanthelpmyself):

NYC Pride Par-taay

As a proud member of the AutoStraddle Intern Army I happily invite you all to our awesome (first ever!) Pride Party:



I will be heading out to NY that weekend to meet up with some of my fellow interns for Pride (and a 'pillow fort and beer' intern pre-party, obvs!) and then for our awesome AutoStraddle party (and then I will be flying home the Very. Next. Morning. in time for class! w00t.) Won't you join us?!