Oy.

It's been a while folks and I apologize. But I've had school. And stuff (like an ER visit). And my mom has been sick and is having surgery again tomorrow, early. And the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk is coming up soon. BUT the semester is over this week. So soonly hopefully I will have some time for all the posts I've been promising- Ditty Bops, Ana Fernandez, mixed tapes, etc. Until then go read Autostraddle as I work (intern) there and we always have fabulous stuff going on :D

Also, I cut more hairs off.

Mission Accomplished!

Yay I got all my hairs cut today! And I asked my little brother to take pictures of the process. He took enough to make a flip book! I won't post that many, but I will post a before, some during and a few of the final result. As final as things are for now, anyway. When you cut as much hair off as I did tonight, your hair usually goes into a shock of sorts and doesn't know what to do. So in a few days once my hair has settle in to this cut/style, we may cut a bit more off the top and use the razor in the back some more. Meanwhile, Locks of Love is going to be receiving my very long ponytail. And I'm way over the minimum for the 3-Day walk. So thanks to everyone for all the encouragement and support!

ps- I asked my little brother if he liked my hair. He said, with a completely straight face, 'No. I liked it long.' Thanks, bro.

Before we got started:


After losing the ponytail:


During the haircut:





Finito!!

Commit this to memory; Time turned fragile

Did you ever have one of those totally normal, innocent conversations that jarred awake random memories from deep inside of you? Like, you were on a normal path and then something slammed you into another dimension that seems normal but feels just a little bit off, like everything is moved slightly to the left...?

Moo and I were just talking about wanting bagels and how the 12:05 Cubs game is ruining our chance to go to Einstein Bro's Bagels before she has to go off to work. And then she asked what kind of bagel and cream cheese did/would I want. And I was overwhelmed with these memories.

When I was 9 or 10ish, I used to occasionally go to work with my step dad's step mom (with whom we do not speak anymore- that's another long story...) and we would take the Brown line train from Western to somewhere downtown. And that train ride always thrilled and scared me because the Brown line is one that was built after the apartments (and skyscrapers?) so at times it zig-zags so close to brick you feel like it might slam into a wall at any minute. And right where we got off there was this amazing bagel shop. And they had all this amazing fresh cream cheese. And I always got either chives or strawberry (and once this fancy mixed wildberry) and a bagel and an orange juice. Then I would go sit at an empty desk in my grandma's office and write and doodle and read. I still remember the smell of that place. And how the lights always seemed like they wanted to be just a little bit brighter. I don't remember what building she worked in, or even watch she did. But that building was right along a branch of the Chicago River and when V.I. Warshawski was filmed they could watch it out the window. Later when there was that horrible city water main brake, their basement floors would be flooded and no one had to go to work until the foundations were inspected. There were those strange rubber mats on the floor and not a lot of windows in the room I sat in. But it didn't bother me since I've always been sort of afraid of heights. I just sat there with my bagel and my pen and paper and made up weird memos and let all the office ladies coo over me. It was different than when I went to work with my mom when I was 3-5 and she worked in the old lady hair salon in Skokie. At that place I would sit in the empty chair near my mom and pretend I was going to do hair one day. All the waiting old man husbands would give me candy and stuffed animals; I was the community granddaughter. And the messenger. My mom and the receptionist had this joke feud going on and would send me back and forth with insults for one another. My mom was only about 25, younger than I am now. I remember one time my mom had me go tell the lady that she had thunder thighs and I didn't get it but thought it sounded really funny and it made her really mad. I had to take naps on a folding cot in the back storage room where the salon stereo blared 80's hits. Later my mom would work at a much fancier salon in Lincoln Park near the lake. I was in school by then so I only really got to go there when I was sick. I would get to sleep on the funky bed in the waxing room. It smelled like hot perfume and made me feel safe. We would order deep dish spinach pizza from the Giordano's next door, and if I just had an ear infection (and not the flu) I got to sit in the kitchen and eat it with my mom. That place was so tacky 80's, the bathroom was all black enamel and mirrors, like Park West, the club down the street. My mom was dating one of the PW tech/roadie guys then so sometimes we would go from the salon to the club and they would set me and his kids up on the balcony with kiddie cocktails. We had to stay up there while the live bands played and everyone went off to do whatever drugs they were doing. It was ~1986; my mom was ~26. I feel like Take Your Child to Work day was really different back then.

All Alone All By Myself

I'm having a hard time putting this weekend into words. Like if I keep it all inside I can keep it forever without it diminishing. And I know that's not how it works but I'm not ready. Everyone else has blogged about this weekend and their feelings and I've read them all and I get it and I love it and it makes the weekend feel a little bit closer but so very far away at the same time.

Bear with me. Bare with me. I'm just writing this as it comes.

I spent the whole weekend a bundle of self conscious nerves, but that is how I live my life. Sometimes it's better. Sometimes the panic attacks stay away and I smile and feel warm inside.

I spent more time going places than really being places this weekend, but I was always somewhere. Never in my life have I spent so much time with so many people I'd never met in 3D. In such small spaces. I drank more than I ate, slept very little in awkward ways, walked everywhere like I knew exactly where I was going (and I mostly did). I stood in the rain on Broadway talking with two girls I'd just met (but already knew) about everything and nothing for over an hour. I wore a bright pink sparkly cowboy hat in public (but not in the rain). I wanted to hug everyone all the time. Part of me wanted to hide in the corner. I'm trying to lose that part.

One time I went to Texas to meet a 2D friend in 3D. I went to her wedding. This was a totally different experience.

I briefly talked and flirted with a girl I had just met and will never meet again and I let her kiss me on the cheek and that is big for me and will probably not happen again for a really long time because I'm a big baby. But she did say she owes me a drink. Next time.

I still haven't told my parents why or how or what I went to New York for this time. They haven't asked. I haven't seen them since before I left but I will see them tonight and I don't know what they will ask or what I will say but I hope I say all the right things. Right for me though, not for them. Because I'm 27 and I'm queer and I intern for this great website and I met all these amazing people and we are friends in 2D and I hope in 3D sometime again and I don't want that to be a secret part of my life anymore. I don't want my life to be a secret.

I felt really old and really young this weekend.

I'm listening to our The Future is Bright Mix. The Pillow Fort & Beer Intern Army Ninja Pirate Pre-Party Party Mix is next. Even though we didn't actually make any forts. But we climbed out the window onto a secret balcony and talked about music and lube and where we were from and everything and nothing and I was only a little afraid to be up so high in the New York sky without a seat belt. I got bug bites and a bruise but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to do it all again. Except I don't want to see that old man get butt naked in the street and bend over to put on feathers again. I did not sign up for that.

One day I want to drink enough or feel free enough to dance.

Whaaaaat?

I want more than a handful of people to get that. Or maybe I don't. It's not the same without a megaphone anyway.

Tequila shouldn't be clear and liquor shouldn't glow green and taste like sugary rubbing alcohol. But it was and it did and we drank it anyway. I didn't do any shots. I drank a lot of beer. And ate Pinkberry. Soon we will have a Red Mango in Chicago but it won't be the same.

It was like, I didn't know these people but I did, and as soon as we were all in one place everything made sense and felt almost normal like we had done it before and will do it again. And I hope that we do. I've actually never been around so many openly queer female friends before. It was nice and I wish I had that here. To not have to explain myself so much. To look at everyone's shoes and hair and shirts and know how gay it all was and everyone knew how gay it all was and thought it was awesome and funny and ok. And real and right. There were more Tegan & Sara shirts and references and tattoos (well, just mine) than I'd ever seen in one places before. Except for that one concert I drove up to Madison for. I met a girl I'd never met in 3D before that day, too. But it was another totally different experience.

Now I don't know how to end this. Do I tell more specific details or share more abstract feelings or just start talking about something else altogether? Maybe I can put names to things. Cute moments.

Laura made a nest of pillows and sheets on the hotel floor and made really awesome cookies. Asher said underpants because she hates the word panties, and rode the bull. Also, she was Sooo Wasted. Tirna got drunk and silly and made faces and slept in the most awkward position on the floor. Duck was Duck. With a megaphone and an accent. Heidi filled the bathroom garbage with beer bottles and found the pleasure pack in the minibar. She's also a new queer. Emily and Katrina were one person. Emily had the same tshirt as my tattoo. We say Montreal wrong. Katrina threatened to give everyone alternative lifestyle haircuts and said flavored lube is bad. Lex also had a Tegan and Sara shirt and she lay down in the middle of Manhattan. She and I put on the Autostraddle temp tattoos. I didn't spend that much time with Lola or Nicole or Jess but they were still fun to talk to. Carly and Riese had this exchange while waiting for the parade:

Riese- Let's play strip poker.
Carly- We don't have any cards.
Riese- Let's play strip.
Carly- That's not a game.

I hardly talked to Brooke or Robin or Natalie (the token straight) but they were so sweet. Stef means business, she gets things done. Also, she is fun and interesting to talk to. A;ex is adorably concerned for people. She never seemed to pass me or any intern by without checking up on us. Which is extra funny if you consider that I'm older than her. I found out how Carly knows Josh which is still weird to me.

There are more feelings and moments but I can't share them all. My pictures are here. I've run out of steam for it. I don't want to share anymore. The rest is mine. All of this is mine and maybe you won't get it or it won't seem that awesome to you but it was. It was one of the best experiences in my life. All the love and the fun and the good.

Let's do it again. My door is open.