Friday, November 27, 2009

Feelings Friday

I wrote you a note-
It's been over 5 years, and I wasn't even there, but it's still so hard this time of year. Especially when, like this year, your birthday falls on Thanksgiving Day. I'm sorry I haven't been to the cemetery lately. Since I no longer work across the street, I don't get out there very often. Do you have your holiday garland? I hope so. Happy 25th birthday! Can you believe you'd be a quarter century old already? That birthday was so hard for me, and my grandmother died shortly after. You probably would have had a much easier time with it, just happy to be 25, to be older. The girls are going to be 21 in February and Justin turned 19 this summer. I feel so old. And also so alone. That's not your fault, it's mostly mine, I guess. In fact, if things had worked out differently, and you were still here, I probably still wouldn't be able to even talk to or see the girls. Strange how the world works, isn't it? I don't understand most of the time. I wish things were more simple. I miss you always and love you so much. That part is simple.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Themeless Thursday!

Update on my post themes:
Music Monday
Meatless Monday
Trans Tuesday
Tegan & Sara Tuesday
Writing Wednesday
Themeless Thursday (anything goes!)
Fun & Fantastical Free-For-All Friday (anything HAPPY goes!)
Sapphic/Same-Sex Saturday/Sunday


And on this Themeless Thursday I am going to share a little poem that I wrote earlier. It's called:

For My Mutual Internet Crush (You Know Who You Are)

Do I have a
new @reply?
(Click refresh!)
Roald Dahl
and celesbians?
I love them too!
(Click refresh!)
140 witty,
sweet characters
never affected
my heart so.
(Click refresh!)
A hopeless romantic?!
There aren't enough
of us anymore.
(Click refresh!)
Pining at the
computer... like
I didn't waste
enough time
here already...
(Click refresh!)
Oh well ;)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Mark my words, I might be something someday

It's Writing Wednesday!
I listen to these words and I read these other words and then I have all these feelings. It's been a long time since I've written anything resembling a poem and like most of them, this one is untitled because then I don't have to say that it's finished and then it doesn't have to be real. Be kind. It actually isn't finished, it's rough. It's a work in progress. And it's been 'progressing' for too long already. 'Processing' is more like it. I'm so gay.

I cannot make the
first move.
I think about it to
the point of exploding
but sit quiet, paralyzed.
One time, though, I did.
Head nuzzled drunk in her neck,
back seat of someone else's car
with two other people,
I snuck my hand into hers.
And the world didn't end.
She nuzzled back and with her
thumb stroked my palm and set
my skin on fire.
I was so afraid, I told her
later. She just laughed.
Must be easy to laugh when
it isn't your heart
on the line.
That might have been
the first crack.
There was another night-
I sat sleepily at the
end of her bed-
she looked at me with doe eyes,
patted under the covers next to her.
Like a puppy I jumped.
Falling asleep curved next to her,
she traced my eyes, nose, lips
over and over with her fingertips.
Light touch, lovingly.
I felt safe.
When I mentioned it later she
claimed not to remember.
Another crack.
When she gave me that
elephant and
I named it Spencer, she
laughed again.
At the name and at me for
watching that show.
The whole time I was Spencer-
new to girls but sure of
my feelings for her.
She was Ashley, refusing to
be labeled, keeping
me at arms length.
Push and pull, heart
cracking more.
When I said it had to be more
than friends or nothing,
she let me go.
It wasn't like the tv.
It never is.
Months of me giving her my heart
in every way I could think of
and nothing mattered.

Someone else needs
to break my heart again.
So I'll have more
to write about.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mopey Monday? Marriage Monday? Meh Monday...

I interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to update what I have previously written about (I think May was the last time I posted a lot about the state of same-sex marriage in this country) and rant a little before I explode...

Here is where same-sex marriage is legal in the US:
1- Massachusetts
2- Connecticut
3- Iowa
4- Vermont
5- New Hampshire (starting January 1st 2010, unless the bigots strike again!)

In California, the same-sex marriages that were performed between June 16, 2008 and November 4, 2008 are still recognized. You know, the 18,000 same-sex marriages that were performed before the Prop 8 debacle. On October 12, 2009, Governor Schwarzenegger signed a law allowing same-sex marriages from other states or foreign countries performed on or before November 4, 2008, to be recognized as well. In Maine, the ssm law that the governor signed (because he said it was the RIGHT thing to do!) was struck down by a VOTE OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC (again?!?!) before any same-sex marriages were even performed. Argh. In New York State and Washington, D.C., same-sex marriages from other states or foreign countries are recognized but they are not performed (even though New York has tried to get a ssm law passed).

Same-sex marriage is fully legal and recognized in Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands, Norway, South Africa, Spain, and Sweden. Many others allow registered civil unions. None of those countries have imploded, exploded or otherwise fallen into any sort of harm or disrepair because of it. And SOUTH FUCKING AFRICA! A country rampant with homophobia and racism (hello 'corrective rape' and Apartheid!) has managed to allow same-sex marriage. Yet the US, the land of the 'free', can't come close.

Why aren't more people angry?! Why don't more people care?! What freaking century is this that a majority vote is allowed to determine the rights of a minority group? Why the fuck do we have a federal government to protect the people if this is happening?! It's not about whether or not you think homosexuality is right or wrong or a choice or an illness or natural or anything. It's about the constitutional rights of all citizens. It's about 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' and basic civil rights. It's about love and tolerance and equality. It's about all the things that are supposed to make this country such a great place to live.

And as to the hate-mongering, bigot opposition- Get some real, factual arguments or SHUT UP! Allowing same-sex marriage doesn't undo or devalue your straight marriage. If that's such an issue, maybe you should ban divorce. I mean, what have Britney Spears and Elizabeth Taylor done for straight marriage except make a mockery of it? Wanting same-sex marriage doesn't mean we are trying to recruit your children to the 'gay lifestyle'- we don't need to 'recruit' as straight people give birth to and raise gay kids ALL THE DAMN TIME. And how does two people wanting to marry each other equal them wanting to bring in a third party? Churches will not be forced to perform same-sex marriages. We aren't asking for Holy Matrimony, we want fully legal civil marriage. We have separation of church and state so keep the Bible out of the law. Or if you're going to do it, do it all the way and ban shellfish, blended fabrics and haircuts. Bring back stoning. You can't just pick and choose what parts of the bible to enforce based on personal preference. I believe that's bordering on blasphemy. And just because two women or two men want to marry each other doesn't mean one of them is suddenly going to want to marry their dog or a goat or a horse. That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. And I think if you dare to look up bestiality, it's something straight people are into, so... yeah. Catholics- maybe you should actually look into and take care of your Pedofile Priest issues before pointing the finger of sexual deviant blame. Celibacy isn't required by the Bible, nor is it working out so well for you guys. Mormons- have you forgotten all about your polygamy past? Pot, kettle, black, my friend.

I mean, seriously folks, to each their own. Everyone should be afforded the same rights and protections to do what makes them happy, as long as they aren't infringing upon the rights/life of others. That's how things are supposed to be in the US, right? If you don't want to be 'gay married' that's ok, it's not going to be a requirement (just like allowing abortions doesn't mean anyone will be forced into having one. But don't even get me started on that rant!!). I'm not crazy about the availability of guns or homeschoolers who only teach creationism, but it's not up to me to take those rights from people. So why do those people get to take away my rights? Do you see the hypocrisy?

And before you even dare call me 'Godless' or anything of the sort- I own at least 9 bibles. I grew up in the church. I taught Sunday School, attended youth group, chaperoned trips. You know what I learned in church? God is love. "Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you." Turn the other cheek. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. "Happy are those who are merciful to others; God will be merciful to them." ALL sin is equal in the eyes of God. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Same-Sex Sunday- Silly Hayden!

I know, I know... A Sapphic Saturday AND a Same-Sex Sunday?! But this isn't 100% a SSS, so, yeah. It's just a short bumbling post about my new appreciation for Hayden Panettiere. I know she might not be the world's greatest actress (I only saw a little of that movie with Kate Hudson) but I recently watched a few episodes of Heroes and I just came from watching I Love You, Beth Cooper with my little brother, and I can say this: girl is not afraid to have fun. Did you see her do the dunk tank on The Ellen Show? She was so funny and cute! And did you know that her same-sex storyline on Heroes was her idea? And Hayden loves the environment and animals (ok, mostly the ocean and whales and dolphins, and seriously how gay is that?). I'm a sucker for activists. She just seems kind of silly and fun and down-to-earth. Look:

Um, and apparently she really likes to lick things... so perhaps there is hope for her yet!!

Hayden on Ellen talking about the lezzie storyline on Heroes, talking about the whales and showing off her wetsuit before getting in the dunk tank on October 19th 2009. Click here to see her actually get dunked:

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sapphic Saturday- Lesbians are hot and funny

I skipped class this morning because I still feel plaguey. But this mono-swine-flu-ague will not get me down, no sir! I made that list of blog themes and I'm actually going to try and stick to it. Sometimes. When I remember. So...

I am watching Exes & Ohs right now. It's a lesbian series (half hour comedy) on Logo. The first season started way back in 2006 and came out on dvd last year. We were originally told season 2 wouldn't be out until 2010 but it seems to be airing on some channel called the Super Channel which I don't believe I have. It is based on a short film by Michelle Paradise about the rules of lesbian dating called, oddly enough, The Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide. Michelle also writes and stars in the series. The main women in the show are a good mix of gay (Michelle Paradise, Heather Matarazzo, Megan Cavanagh) and straight (Marnie Alton, Angela Featherstone) and so are the guest stars (hello Cathy Debuono!) There is also the totally adorable Amy Dudgeon (aka Amy E. Thompson) as Emmy Beever (the cafe owner) and I don't know if she is gay/straight/bi/other but she (the actress) totally pings and I hope hope hope she's on the team...!

Here is the description from the season 1 dvd box/Logo:
"Meet Jennifer [Paradise], a documentary filmmaker with a vivid fantasy life (which we see) and a floundering career (which we also see). Jennifer wants to find Ms. Right... but first she must navigate the rules of lesbian life, most of which she learns the hard way. Fortunately, her friends are there to help: Sam [Alton], a sexy commitment-phobe who flips women faster than real estate; Chris [Cavanagh]and Kris [Featherstone], a lesbian couple expanding both their pet accessory business and their family; and Crutch [Matarazzo], a young musician who wants to be taken seriously but still has some growing up to do. Surviving singlehood, couplehood - and each other - has never looked quite like this."

It really is a cute funny adorable hysterical show and I highly recommend it. Now I am going to share pics and whatnot to further sway you ;)

Michelle Paradise and Marnie Alton:

Megan Cavanagh:

Angela Featherstone:

Heather Matarazzo:

Amy Dudgeon:

Heather Matarazzo on Crutch:

Amy Dudgeon/Thompson being adorable:

And you can watch many other interview clips on

Also, if anyone finds out what is up with season 2, let me know. And I'll do the same... if it isn't going to be on Logo I am going to be very sad.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

TEGAN & SARA Tuesday!

Yay Tegan and Sara's new album Sainthood came out today! They are my most favoritestest band ever. You all should head on over to Autostraddle to read the album review (and the b-sides)and Tegan interviews. After you check out this post, obvs. It has been brought to my attention that many of you cannot tell these awesome musical twins apart so I am here to help. I'll give a quick rundown of differences and I also captioned 20 pictures with arrows pointing to the tattoos that can help you tell the difference if all else fails.

Quickly- Sara has a longer, more oval face. She is smaller/thinner overall. Tegan has a more square face/jaw. She has her labret (chin) pierced although she doesn't seem to wear it much anymore. Tegan has more tattoos on her forearms and is more likely to show them. Tegan has a slightly lower voice and sings sort of out the side of her mouth. Sara has a higher, often more nasally sounding voice. Honestly once you start to notice a few little differences, you start to be able to tell them apart without having to try too hard. Then you'll look back and laugh at how you used to get them confused :D

Tada. Click any and all to enlarge. And you're welcome!

Monday, October 26, 2009

What's my motivation?

So, I'm thinking I need to work out some kind of daily/weekly themed post idea to keep me motivated and full of ideas for posting on here, so it's not so random and weird. Yeah? Or maybe you all don't care, but I'd like to try and get things going/organized/whatever. Twitter and several of the blogs I read have a theme/post idea for each day and I'm using those as my starting off points. Feel free to yay/nay any and all of them, and throw me some ideas of your own...

Music Monday- Share a band, video, song, etc. I used to do this.
Meatless Mondy- Share a veggie/vegan recipe.
Trans Tuesday- I've been collecting articles and links for a while with the idea of writing an essay about the truths and misconceptions of the trans community, because they are the most overlooked and margiinalized part of the LGBT community. I just can't seem to punch anything out. So instead I think I can do a weekly feature of a different trans actor/actress, musician, comedian/comedienne, etc. with some article commentary in between.
Writer/Writing Wednesday- Perhaps I can kick my creative writing butt back into gear by occasionally posting poetry and essays (again), whether they are old or new.
? Thursday- I got nothing. Help.
? Friday- Ditto.
Same-Sex/Sapphic Saturday/Sunday- A weekend post highlighting something/anything lady-oriented-queer. Movie clips, photos, book reviews, etc.

I can't promise that I will follow each of these every week (esp Thurs/Fri since I have no ideas yet) but hopefully it will help me post more than once every blue moon. And I reserve the right to post something off theme/topic whenever I want, obvs ;)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Namaste, Chini

I was going to write a post about coming out to my mom via text and about the thwarted trip to DC for the National Equality March... but after browsing through my celeb pics file and learning that Padma Lakshmi is preggers, I'm going to do a picture post of gorgeous Indian ladies instead.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me in real life that growing up in the Little India neighborhood of Chicago had a big impact on me. Even as a four-year-old, according to my mother, I was mesmerized by the window displays of saris and jewels and such on Devon Avenue. Right now I have saris for curtains and table cloths, incense & elephants everywhere in my apartment, Sanskrit and Ganesha tattoos, etc. I used to wear bindis and have henna/mendhi done in high school. When Gwen Stefani went through her Indo-glam phase, I was so excited! I used to wear bangles and harem beads all the time. I just love the colors, the textures, the richness, the history, the stories... I often lament that I was born on the wrong continent. But I know that had I been born in India my life would be a lot different. And I couldn't be gay. At least not easily and openly. So I guess living here allowed me the opportunity to experience the good without the bad. So, on to the pictures!

Shelley Conn- An Indian woman with an English accent. Be still my heart. Plus she makes out with Laura Fraser in Nina's Heavenly Delights and Anna Torv in Mistresses. Swoon.

Freida Pinto, another Indian lady with an English accent. And she is heartbreakingly gorgeous. Who *didn't* fall in love with her in Slumdog Millionaire? She also looks just like a girl I used to work with back in high school.

Oh Janina Gavankar. How we loved you as Papi. Too bad you had to play a Latina woman and not, um, an Indian woman. IRL Janina is such a geek, and seems so down-to-earth. She has even messaged me back on twitter a few times :D

Padma Lakshmi. I would never ask you to 'pack your knives and go'.

Parminder Nagra. Loved her on ER and in Bend It Like Beckham. Too bad you guys weren't a couple like was originally intended.

Aishwarya Rai. The classic beauty. Look at those eyes. Then go watch Bride and Prejudice.

Tilotama Shome. If you haven't seen Monsoon Wedding, go now.

Since I'm spending today avoiding homework/midterms I think I'll watch Bend It Like Beckham, Nina's Heavenly Delights, Bride and Prejudice, Monsoon Wedding, Slumdog Millionaire and a few episodes of Mistresses. Sorry Janina, I don't think I can handle any L Word today. Maybe I'll watch your episode of Dollhouse. (Yes, I own all of these movies/shows on dvd. Except Mistresses, but I have it on my computer...) And Top Chef is on tonight. Hm, I don't have time for all those today. Maybe just the highlights on youtube then ;)

Friday, October 2, 2009

WHIP IT real good!

I'm about to go see Whip It. By myself (because everyone else seems to be sick or working right now, as usual). But I've been so excited for this movie since I first caught wind of it months and moons and eons ago. And Roger Ebert gave it a great review and 3.5 stars. And 'Grace Fox' gave it a fun and interesting breakdown/review. And really, who wouldn't want to see some of this, even if it is all subtext and fantasy:

I've been a sort of fan of the derby for a while, but oddly enough have never made it to a bout/match. I know girls from high school/my tattoo parlor/my hair salon who are derby girls. In Chicago we have 2 leagues, the Windy City Rollers and The Chicago Outfit. Both flat track. I even went on a date with a derby girl once (it was awkward and we didn't see each other again). BUT I'm almost certainly going to make it to the Windy City Rollers All-Star match later this month! I'm so excited!

To prepare myself for Whip It I went and made myself some possible derby names. You can never be too prepared, right? And using different combos of my first name, nickname, last name, online/twitter name, & positions (blocker, jammer, pivot) it gave me these suggestions:

-Belle Broadsword
-Bertha Broadsword
-Amelia BasHer (gave me this one twice)
-Beelza-Babe Brawl
-Allie Brawl
-Amelia VaudeVillian
-Belle Bellicose
-Allie Bombshell

I'm not 100% sold on any of them, but they aren't bad. And none of them seem to be taken yet. Now I just need to be able to skate without running into walls or getting things stuck under my wheels. AND...

Yes, please.

ps- Ok, it's a few days later now and everyone in my internet world has been talking about the awesomeness of Whip It and how gay Ellen Page is, etc etc etc (except Whip It could have/should have been so much gayer!). I think that Ellen, Kristen Wiig and Juliette Lewis made the movie, they were brilliant. Zoe Bell (and her beautiful accent!) was under utilized. Ari Graynor (the drunk best friend from Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist) was the barely there minor character who, as far as we can tell, was supposed to be a lesbian. It was a nice little nod to us, but it should have been a bigger part. It was great that the girls did 90% of their own skating/stunts because it made the derby scenes so much more amazing and realistic to watch. Great soundtrack to boot. And since I saw one of the first showings in Chicago, I filled out a little survey at the end and got a free Whip It tshirt. It's cute. And I've been thinking about derby names again. Like using a Dykon to make a good name. First thought was Melissa Etheridge, because how awesome would Melissa Deatheridge be as a derby name. So awesome, in fact, that it's already taken. Sob. So is Militia Etheridge. So next I checked some names using Ellen Degeneres. Ellen De Generate and Felon Dejenerate are taken. Hrm. Back to the drawing board. Not that I need an actual derby name because I'm not actually joining the derby... I can barely stand/walk as it is. But don't think that I wouldn't join in a second otherwise!