Stuck?

I keep this old post around because it still seems to hold true. Most of it, anyway. I quit my job and moved a mile south. But the rest is still the same.
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2006-19-06, LiveJournal
Verbatim. Mostly. (a myspace xpost)

So here I am. The fireflies are out tonight. So are the fools. I got sick of sitting in my apartment so I grabbed some essentials (pencil, paper, Ipod, keys, ID, cash) and headed for Foster Beach. It's a little past sunset. The sky is beautiful. 'Out Tonight' is playing on MyPod- how apropos. Now don't get me wrong- I love Chicago. I love my family and my friends. My job is pretty cool. But I'm in another one of those funks where I want to sell all my shit, drop everything and just go. Move. Something. Everything. Last time I wanted to teach English in Korea. But that's 2 years in a tiny room. That's only a little different than what I have now- 2 rooms in a predominantly Vietnamese area. I'm just so sick of this country and its excess and its politics and its hypocrisy. That's not to say that I'm above it or free of it or anything. But I'm drowning in it. And I have to do something. I've tried different things. I bury myself in cds and dvds and books. I give money to the DNC, the HRC, IL PIRG... all these places. I've signed up for this Breast Cancer walk. But it only makes me feel a little better. I'm not making any great changes or contributions. No one is going to remember me. Hardly anyone even knows who I am now. Not that I need to be 'known' but everyone wants validation and acceptance, right? So the thing I've been thinking about lately is moving. Far away. I want to see things. Different things. Beautiful things. More beautiful things than I can see here. The other day driving home from work I saw a 12- or 13-year-old boy randomly walk up to a 20-something year old girl, give her a flower that he had picked, and then walk away. It was random and beautiful but it makes me sad that it is so rare and noteworthy to see something that simple and meaningful.

I want to live in Spain- the art and the architecture and the history and the language and the coexistence of many peoples (and religions). And it is a predominantly Catholic society where same-sex marriage is legal and accepted. I want to live in Canada (Toronto)- it's a lot like the US, but it's cleaner and less crowded, and again, same-sex marriage is legal. And how many wars has Canada been in lately? I want to live in India. I've always admired the culture, art, food, dress, religion- everything. I was fascinated by Devon street, growing up in Little India. The cost of living in India is so much lower. And the people have so little but seem more kind. Or at least less judgemental. I don't know. I've never been. It just appeals to me. I could have a beautiful, 2 story, 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom bungalow there, with a private garden and terrace, reserved parking, ocean view and more for just over $100 thousand. That's unheard of. I could just sell all the crap I own (aside from a few essentials) and buy property somewhere in Southeast Asia and live off the money I have and write and adventure and talk to people and try and give back at least as much as I take from society and the planet. How easy would that be? How much more simple? I don't think I could live without my music and a few good volumes to read, but really, besides that, how much of my shit do I need? None of it, really. I realize that most of you think I'm all talk, and I probably am. That doesn't mean that I'm not sincere. Just because I don't sell it all and flee the country doesn't mean that I don't really want to or that I'm not capable. I'm just afraid. Of being alone. Of missing my family (and close friends). Of being forgotten about. So maybe someone could come with me. We can start an adventure together. Travel the world. Photograph it. Write about it. Soak it in. Talk about it. Appreciate it. Breathe it. Live it. Maybe someday. For now I am going to walk a bit more and then go home (and type this into MySpace because I'm lame like that), and go to bed and get ready for another fun-filled stretch at work.

The cops on ATVs just flew past, leaving tracks in the sand and the scent of gas in the air. So the aura is ruined and my time here is done.

Another note- the song on MyPod as I arrived home and sat down to type this was Frou Frou's Maddening Shroud. Again, very apropos. See for yourself- here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I'll have you know, it's all insane
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
Sometimes I like to get away from this saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can't go on
It is for real
We can walk about
We can work it over and over and over and over and over
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth